The Struggle to "Find" My Identity

Good Afternoon Steemit, I'm "Zach" I've been on here awhile, but I figure it's time for me to share a little more about myself.

I hear and see the common prodverb, "find yourself". Sometimes in the form of advertisement or self discovery. I found myself, I discovered myself, I feel like I discovered my true calling.

What happens when there isn't a place for you to find? What happens when that place is far away? What do you do?
This is where I found myself in life, so I created.

My humble beginnings start in white suburbia Wisconsin, north of Milwaukee, where I was adopted by two wonderful parents.

I actually had to use their wedding photo beccause, well this was the only photo of them on my computer.
I was always aware I was adopted. It wasn't exactly something my parents could hide.

I grew up in Germantown: a demographic that is 93% white and 2% African american. Needless to say I was among a very small minority of blacks in a upper middle class community. This demographic forced me to make a decision early in youth, because as soon as race came into kids consciousness at the beginning of middle school; for many people, I was no longer "Zach", I was the "black kid".

Where would I find myself?

There were one of two paths open to me at that stage in my life. My thought process wasn't developed enough and I didn't have enough experience to develop past these two options. Either I could try to assimilate to popular African american culture by befriending other African american students. Trying to learn about a black culture that I has no experience in, but finding solace and community within our racial commonality. (I had never had a fellow minority as a friend, or a adult figure. Something else that played a large role in my development).

The other option filling the "Uncle Tom" role (which is more of less what I choose at first). For those that don't know what a Uncle Tom is,

"A derogatory epithet for an exceedingly subservient person, particularly when that person is aware of their own lower-class status based on race".

To be clear I never thought of myself as second class, but I understood that I was at the mercy of my fellow classmates. Any argument could be won with, "well your black". Any student could gain a laugh from the crowd with nearly any crude racial joke, no matter how illogical. The most common compliment I received through my middle and high school days was "You're the whitest black guy ever". Because that was the best thing I could be for a lot of people, white.

I have always been proud to be African american, but I couldn't go through a class or walk through the hallway without being reminded I'm black. The stigma with that was unavoidable, no matter how much I wanted to ignore it, so it beat me down at times. I would smile, sometimes uncomfortably chuckle, but I almost never spoke up. I would say it didn't bother me, that I don't really care, because especially at that age, people want friendships that are convenient. I could have gotten angry or upset, but that would have isolated me. It wouldn't have helped. So, I gritted my teeth and bit my tongue. That's not to say it didn't get to me. I would cry sometimes at night because I didn't understand what I was feeling, why other people were acting like they do and I was never able to discuse it. I didn't really know anyone else of color, and I knew it wasn't just happening to me, but I had no one to talk about it with. Certainly my supportive parents, but they couldn't identify, so I decided fairly early that I couldn't find my identity, I had to make it.

There were a lot of paths I could've taken, but I thank my genetics, parents, friends, and powers that be (I do believe in a god) that I found the one I'm on. I couldn't let my anger change me, I couldn't let the words bitter me. I had to enjoy every moment I could, grit my teeth for the ones I couldn't and try to slowly educate and change those around me. I had to make my own identity and take it back. Not a "Uncle Tom, not the stereotypical minority that others except, but "zach". Kind, empathetic, smart, respectful, honest. A relatively athletic kid who enjoys video games writing, and sports. Someone who is spontaneous and bold when the opportunity arises, but has restrain and self control. I will always be building my identity, but it began it's fruition during those trying times. I also had an amazing group of friends who I still talk to daily in our group chat.

The great friends continued in college

It was never about me finding my identity, it was about me forging it. As much as is was difficult, I loved middle school and high school, I could go on for pages. I love Germantown and I have seen myself and classmates mature over the years. That speaks to the amazing people I have met and how fortunate I have been to have so many amazing memories from these years. I wouldn't change a thing.

Hello Steemit, I am Zach.