Teenage Pregnancy: A Birth-Father's Perspective

Teenage Pregnancy: A Birth-Father's Perspective

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I wanted to talk today about something less discussed. While there has been plenty of coverage and discussion of what it's like being a teenage mother, there is very little in the way of information from a birth-father. I wanted to share my experiences both to inform, as well as to help me get a good record of what I remember from my own experiences, some 15 or more years ago now.

First, the terminology.

In this case, I am using the term birth-father, as I am not involved in the child's life. You may replace it with the term 'biological-father' as well. I think even some of the more upset women involved tend to use a term like 'sperm-donor', but that is different in any case.

How It All Began

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It all started when I was 15. I had a lot of free time as I was a recent high-school dropout. I didn't struggle in school for the usual reasons. I wasn't really a troublemaker, I just didn't want to be there. I wasn't gaining anything from it, and I disliked the strange social interplay of the sharks that teenagers can be in that kind of environment. Without an ability to 'test-out', I would just show up long enough to satisfy the parental unit, and walk home.

This left me with the aforementioned free time. This eventually led me to online chat rooms of the era, (AOL and Yahoo, etc) where I would spend time being one of those damn kids with a big mouth mostly.

I did however meet a girl, and eventually we decided to try the dating thing. Well, I won't bother with details except to say that hormones + free-time = bad choices and becoming sexually active at too young an age.

We managed to avoid any issues for more than a year, but it only takes one time to count the days wrong, not use protection, and just not think clearly.

Oh crap... What now?

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At the time I had a really basic job, working a few nights a week at a local family entertainment center (arcades, laser-tag, mini-golf). I got a random voice-mail one night while at work, and it would forever change my world.

All she said when I played the message on my break was "I want an abortion." (We decided against that in the end, but more on that later.)

You see, she had visited me at work earlier, and I had made a joke about some noted changes in her body. She apparently connected the dots better than I did.

My night ended with that message, I was a wreck. I called my manager (I was a supervisor for my area) and told him I needed to leave, but didn't give him details. When he came to check on me, I must have looked awful. He took one look at my face, and said that he would find someone to cover and to get going. I never did remember to thank him for that...

I called my mom, who was my best supporter, and still is. She came to pick me up, and I told her everything. She wasn't much happier about this than I was, but I survived the night.

In discussion with my girlfriend, we quickly changed our minds about our plans on what to do. Her older sister had gone through something similar and gave us the idea we needed to have to make the right decision.

Where I live, the LDS Church has a program, called LDS Family Services. It is a full set of services for families, both LDS and not. One of them was an adoption program. We got started on that path almost immediately, as it would help us get medical costs covered.

So, what is that like for a teenage father-to-be?

Scary. Very scary.

Call it a sense of honor, or a proper upbringing by my mother, but I knew that I would support her for every medical visit, every group counseling session with LDS Family Services, and would help choose the parents when the time came. Thankfully, my girlfriend agreed, as in my home state of Utah, fathers had zero rights at the time.

Doctor's appointments weren't too bad, just a lot of holding hands, and asking the right questions.

The group sessions were intimidating though. Imagine being the only guy, in a room of about 25 pregnant teen girls, most of which had been abandoned by their 'boyfriends'. There was a lot of discussion of what it was like to be pregnant and going to high-school, cravings, weird medical stuff that happens during a pregnancy, and quite a bit of male-bashing too.

I survived.

I think two things played into that:

• One, I kept quiet.
• Two, I was 'the guy who stayed'.

I firmly believe these earned me a pass on existence as far as these young women were concerned.

The Other Big Choice

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As the time quickly approached for us to meet this newly formed person, it came time to choose their parents-to-be.

These were almost exclusively people who couldn't conceive on their own, or at least had yet been unable to. We looked over about 20 couples, each with a picture of the pair, and a letter written in general to the 'prospective birth mother' (Again, very little consideration for the father was given.)

In the end, we went back to the very first letter we read. They just matched me and my girlfriend too much to ignore, and we loved their story.

Somewhere around 7 months into the pregnancy, we decided to go to her Prom together. If I never have to help a pregnant teenage girl shop for a dress again, it will be too soon. Still, she looked amazing, and all the way through the end of the school year, nobody even realized she was expecting. Considering she was 5'2" (157 cm) and about 110 lbs (50 kg) before pregnancy, and had taken on extra weight due to some gestational diabetes, this was fairly impressive a secret to keep.

I didn't get my driver's license until the last month of the pregnancy, and my family was getting really tired of giving me rides up to that point.

About this same time, we get to meet the parents we have chosen to hand over our child to. They were just as amazing as we thought, and we took to them immediately. They gave us gifts, each something to have as a memory. They got me a watch, and I think they struggled to decide on that, as it was rare for a birth-father to be there. I still have it to this day, packed away and safe.

The Big Day - August 1st, 2002

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Well, the start of it at least. They talk about labor taking hours, but it's really something else to experience it. There I was, barely 17 and in the hospital room with my very pregnant and bursting girlfriend, and her 'barely tolerating of that asshole boy who got her pregnant' mother. For 20 hours total.

A side note: Those who say childbirth is a miraculous and beautiful thing, were lying, or they stood at the head of the bed and never looked.

Some moments I remember in all this.

• It was unbearable to watch her cry while they gave her the epidural.
• I wish I had stood up to her mother for more chances to hold my child for the time I would have with them.
• Sleep is for the weak, or at least I kept telling myself that.

I have a daughter, at least for a little while. I get to hold her, and somewhere (I couldn't find it for this post) I have pictures of me doing so. Eventually though, the stay at the hospital has to end, and she will be going home with her mother for a day, before we meet with the people who would become her real parents.

The Roughest Day - August 3rd, 2002

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This was by far the roughest day, and we both were a wreck. At the time, the Church was still protecting the adoptive parents' identity so that there couldn't be any complications later on with birth parents 'changing their mind', which though impossible once the process is complete, still had a chance of trying to happen.

We handed her over in what still feels like a moment that should have had more ceremony or import. Then we waited, while they took a moment to compose themselves, and leave ahead of us, so we couldn't see their car, etc.

We both cried, and after a fashion, grieved for the loss. We knew why we did it, and to this day I at least don't regret my choice in this.

It Got Easier

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Over the coming months, and even years, it got easier to deal with.

About six months after the adoption, the Church changed the rules and would allow the family to directly contact the birth-parents if they chose. We had exchanged only minor things via the Church up to that point, but they had already planned on letting us in. They had hidden a last name on the back of a photo inside a picture frame the month before, and we could now contact them directly.

Over the years, I have gotten updates via email with stories and pictures. This has let me see the person she has become, and I am always prone to play the proud biological father, showing off pictures where appropriate.

In a fairly common turn of good luck, having a baby in the house helped them to overcome whatever it was that was preventing them from having children of their own, and she gained a little brother to keep her company, and provide endless entertainment when picked on, I am sure.

Edit: Looking back over the emails from the past, I found that they did actually adopt her younger brother. I just remembered it differently due to the age of the whole thing.

I have hundreds of pictures, and a good idea of the young woman she has become. Knowing her mother's and my genetics, she will one day want to meet us if only to find out more about us, and why we made the choice we did. I don't think she ever feels slighted by our choice, and seems even happier where she is than we could ever have hoped.

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That is all for now.

I am sure there is more to know about this story, but I can't recall every detail on my own.

Ask me questions, anything you want to know about the process, what it was like for me, etc.

I welcome them.

Thanks!

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