Am I in a Healthy Marriage?
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Like your health, marriage can be healthy or unhealthy. How can you tell if you are in a healthy marriage? Here are four ways to spot a healthy marriage.
- FRIENDSHIP
A friend is someone whom you enjoy being with. Someone whom you share your pains, sorrows, and joys with. A friend is someone who has got your back anytime and will always be there every time you call.
One of the greatest benefits of marriage is having your spouse as your best friend. However, it is sad that many marriages today face not just the problem of physical disconnection, but also emotional disconnection. Spouses keep secrets from each other, hide the actual digits they earn and digits in their bank accounts, demand for gifts at the expense of their spouse's pocket or integrity.
Building friendship in marriage takes time and effort but has rewarding benefits. Being friends with your spouse creates safety void of emotional and physical fear, it builds trust, it helps you both overcome the storms of life and ensures a lasting marriage.
SIGNS OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
FORGIVENESS
Many times in the journey of marriage, couples say hurtful words or do things the other least expects of them. One thing to note in marriage is that, you are married to a human being not an angel. A human who is liable to hurt you and be hurt by you. To move on, you MUST forgive. I know couples who now suffer illnesses which cannot be traced. The bottom line of this is harbouring hurts and nursing them could blow up to terminal illness. Every time I nursed something my husband did to me, I realize each time I have an ulcer attack. There are risks on your health when you do not forgive. In addition, you cannot access the throne of God in prayers with an unclean heart.
Forgiveness does not mean you numb the pain or act like it does not exist. Forgiveness is also, not forgetting the offence. Forgiveness is not inflicting pain on the offender for the offence. Forgiveness is not for the other, it is for you! It is for your health, for your sanity and for your spiritual growth.
When you forgive it must come from within you. When you say you have forgiven and have truly not, you lie and thus have sinned. Satan holds you down and weakens you when you do not forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of maturity and godliness. So how can you forgive?Know that forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. When you realize this you can consciously make up your mind to forgive your spouse rather than wait for the "feeling" to come.
Talk about it with your spouse. If you cannot do it alone, get a marriage counsellor or a pastor or someone in the best position to help you open up and unburden your heart.
3.Determine to change, set things right and work towards it.Stop recounting the moment. Some people have a talent of replaying the past and reminding you of how badly you acted on xyz day, at ABC time when you were wearing 123 dress and had this hair do or that colour of lipstick!!! STOP REPLAYING THE MOVIE!
Give yourself time to heal
TRUST
Trust is vital for the existence of any marriage or relationship. Without trust it is impossible to have a real marriage void of deception, uncertainty, insecurity or fear.
Trust should be top priority in marriage. Do not assume that ignorance is bliss, and on that basis tell "a little white lie" once in a while or keep secrets believing that what you don't know cannot hurt you. Couples should be open to each other and bare open their hearts to one another.
To build trust in your marriage,Be honest with each other
Stop the deception and lies
Know that trust is given to trustworthy people therefore live right to keep your Spouse's trust
Communicate how you feel and your needs as best possible
Trust is not baked in a microwave oven. Give it time!
Pray and trust the Holy Spirit to help you trust one another
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
-Proverbs 3:5-7 (The Message)
4 INTIMACY
Some people have defined this as INTO ME SEE! That's beautifully simple and nothing more! I would define it in simple easy to remember words:
closeness, warmth, friendly, lovemaking
The basis for any marriage should primarily be for intimacy and companionship. Couples who have put other reason as priority have many times ended feeling upset, dissatisfied and frustrated.
How would you define your relationship with your spouse? How intimate are you with your spouse?
Many marriages have ended sadly for this simple reason. Intimacy in many marriages today has become a chore, an obligation rather than a feeling of joy and pleasure.
Couples who have a healthy intimate life, are open, vulnerable to one another, trust and share with each other.
Intimacy can be categorized into:
I) Emotional intimacy: Here couples are open to each other. They share their joys as well as sorrows. This is a point of vulnerability with each other.
ii) Intellectual Intimacy: This is a moment where you and your spouse have debates on politics, sports, art, music or some other topic which interests you. You may cuddle on the couch with hot cups of tea on a rainy day, reading out to each other a book or making some research together on the internet. It could also be attending a function together that stir up your minds.
iii) Spiritual Intimacy: Studying God's word, praying for each other, that's connecting intimately spiritually! I have noticed each time my husband and I pray holding each other, there is a difference in my spirit, my mind and my body than when we just pray sitting in the north and he sitting or kneeling in the south. So next time you pray, Pray for each other holding hands, cuddling, kneeling, whatever... just be connected physically and in the spirit.
iv) Physical Intimacy: This could be making love, caressing, kissing or a sexy massage. This is the point where you want to stir up the happy juices of love making and Oxytocin. Intimacy goes beyond just sex and love making! Deep intimacy can also come without words! it can be in form of hugging, holding hands and walking, sharing glances, dancing or doing chores together.
You are not perfect neither is your spouse. Each time you fall, you both need to reach into your love tank and refuel your relationship. Love is not perfect but becomes perfect when you forgive and seek forgiveness.
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