divorce children - can you go without scars?

Incisive experiences in life leave traces and shape the further life - this is especially true for our children. A separation of the parents is such an experience and for children painful and associated with loss feelings. However, this major change does not have any scars or trauma.

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How a child experiences the separation of his parents depends above all on these. This also applies to the extent of the loss children feel. A child needs emotional stability and solid reference persons. If parents can give their child this also during the difficult separation phase, then it is possible - also separation children can be happy!

Divorced parents - misplaced life
Fears and disturbances, as well as backward trends in the development of small children, are, according to statistics, almost unchangeable in a separation - say the statistics. And even later, children whose parents divorced or often separate problems with their own relationships, have ties and other difficulties. At first sight, it seems as if problems and misfortunes for the child simply can not be averted when the parents separate. But, is this really the truth? Can not this process be affected? Parents who ask this question in a separation are on a good path. For, in reality, separation is not the infringement which leads to life-long pain in children, but the treatment of this radical change in life. Who knows what children need and concentrates instead on a Rosenkrieg precisely, protects his child and even in the best case himself. The focus on the well-being of the child - which is no fault in the separation - leads in the best case also to it that the former couple will become separate people, but they can still live their common task as parents.

What children really need
The idea that children need a healthy family with father-mother-child to grow up happily is firmly anchored in our society. If there is something there, partial marriages are carried on, for the sake of the children. The good news: It does not have to be. On the contrary, children need something else, happy and satisfied parents, who are emotionally present and approachable. Anyone involved in a trench war with the partner is usually too busy to give the child the attention and attention he needs to be happy. This applies to unloved cohabitation, but also to separation.

Children need clarity - however small they may be. Hidden hostility between the parents confuse and frighten them. A child is looking for a cause and will inevitably land in itself. Take your child this burden! This works, if you clearly tell him that there is nothing to do with the dispute between you and your partner. Another problem with separations is often that a parent - all too often the father - is suddenly no longer available. This is not, however, the sudden physical absence. This is how children get along, many of them experience it for other, mostly professional reasons. This is the emotional retreat. For fear, pain and anger, the parent retreats not only from the partner, but from the whole family - and is thus no longer available as an important reference person for the child. A loss that really leaves scars! This is all the more true if the relationship was previously intense and intense.

Happy despite change
Changes are often bad for children. Removals, deaths or even separations are cuts, which are difficult to understand especially for small children. There are no signs of panic. As with all losses, it is also important in a separation for the child to find guidance through a secure framework. For the parents this means: tear yourself together!

Do not bring your child into conflicts of loyalties, for example by forcing them to decide for one of their parents, perhaps only subliminally and subconsciously.

Be present - mainly emotionally. Your child has needs for love and care and it is your job to fulfill them. And even if you are just suffering from the separation.

Clear emotionally between your ex-partner and your children.

Try to reach an agreement quickly with your partner in the important questions of separation. If necessary, with professional help, for example through mediation.

Usually this will prevent long-term battles for children and money and lay the foundation for future communication. This is especially beneficial to your child.

Do not show your child a healthy world.

Create clear relationships as quickly as possible to make life more manageable and predictable for your child.

And never use your child to wipe your partner or pressurize it.

Children want stability and need it to develop freely and strongly. If the external circumstances change, as is the case with a separation, this stability shifts. However, through adult and responsible behavior, they can make sure that your child is aware of the new circumstances, feel safe and secure.