What it's Like for Me Living With PTSD.

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I wanted to shed some light on my experiences with PTSD.

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Many people have no idea how much PTSD can affect a person's life. It is also a misconception that the only people really suffering from PTSD are veterans. My PTSD is caused by repeated trauma in my childhood, sexual abuse, and a violent attack from an ex-boyfriend. PTSD stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome and true to it's name anyone who has suffered a serious trauma can get PTSD.

• Night terrors that keep me up for hours.

When my PTSD is really bad I sometimes get night terrors every night. So terrifying that I have to turn on the light and have woken up in a panic attack. I have woken up hallucinating in a serious way. It has caused me to stay awake for days because I am too afraid to sleep.

• Constantly checking places to see if an attacker is hiding there.

I have to check behind the shower curtain if it is closed. Sometimes I have to check my roommates room to make sure nobody is there. I check to make sure the door is locked constantly. I check closets. I sometimes am convinced there is an attacker or will be an attacker and thus often carry my knife around in my own home.

• Not being able to shower if nobody is home.

The shower is the worst for me. The first time my dad sexually abused me he forced his way into my shower. He had done this many times and I had fought him off but eventually he "won". So showers for me are really scary. I one time heard my father's voice clearly say my name in the shower after he had died. It was obviously his voice as he had a giant fucking hole in his throat from cancer and had a very distinct voice.

I have showered when my roommate is not home but it is really awful. I have to bring the knife and constantly hear things and have to turn the shower off or go and check the hallway and check the door. I leave the curtain a bit open so I can just stare at the bathroom door knob and make sure it isn't wiggling. I can't close my eyes in the shower. I immediately panic.

• Audible and Visible hallucinations.

As I mentioned I have hallucinated from my PTSD. When I do it is so incredibly terrifying. They are so vivid that I don't realize they are a hallucination immediately. It takes a long time to shake the fear after experiencing hallucinations.

• Flinching, Jumpiness, Anxiety.

I have extreme anxiety 24/7. I also flinch from quick movements or unexpected physical contact. I am very jumpy and easily frightened.

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PTSD severely affects all aspects of life.

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As you can imagine this is very life altering. Throw in some depression, and very painful physical disease and you have a really poor quality of life. However, I am working on my PTSD and have an appt with a therapist soon. If you are suffering from PTSD know you are not alone and don't give up. Keep fighting. Get help if you can. If you can't try to hold it out. I have never had therapy for any of my trauma and abuse so I get it, it's really hard but I finally am getting help now. If you can move to a place with expanded medicaid so you can get help. I also have read many books on PTSD. This can be helpful if you are currently unable to seek professional help. It helped me to understand myself. You can also find online therapists for PTSD or look into local support groups.

Here are some resources for people dealing with PTSD:

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/where-to-get-help.asp