The context
As some of you know I teach part time and do music and theatre related gigs on the side, and that's been working for me for about 4 years now, because I have been lucky enough to work at private or international schools that pay a considerably higher salary than I would get if I worked at a public school. That has allowed me to work on short and long term musical or theatrical related projects over the past years. I have learnt a lot, I have met a lot of people and made incredible connections, I have been involved in great projects and not so great ones, and I have even gotten the chance to apply some of that knowledge and experience into my teaching.
Being able to do the things that I most love has been crucial to my surviving strategy: when you live in Venezuela you gotta secure yourself a space of happiness or all of the general unhapiness and miserableness(?) of living here will basically swallow you whole. I'm no stranger to depression and no stranger to anxiety and I am completely sure that having grown up in this country has had a lot to do with that. But anyway, I appreciate the fact that I've been able to have that safe space to go to, and even when things get too stressfull I've been able to enjoy it because, heck, I'm doing things I love!
But this year everything has been rapidly falling apart (well, it has for the past 15 years, to be fair) and having a "safe job" as a teacher is really not covering my needs anymore. And I don't only mean my financial needs, I also mean my emotional needs, and my professional needs... I feel like I'm in a place where I put so much of my creativity, time and energy and I don't get a proportional reward in return. And I know that's how a lot of teachers feel like around the world, but honestly, it wasn't the case when I started teaching 5 years ago.
The reason I want to leave
I've already come to accept that I enjoy teaching a lot. It's not what I thought (or think) I would be doing for the rest of my life, but it actually became something more than just a way of paying the bills, which will probably sound a bit crazy for you teachers reading this but, when your other work scenarios are related to music, theatre and philosophy there's really not much hope of getting a "money making job" and teaching is actually a good option.
Or at least it was for me... before hyperhyperhyperinflation took over.
I've been wondering a lot lately: why am I staying?
If you'd ask me what I love doing the most my definite answer would be music. Then why is this such a hard decision to take? If I know thatONE good paying gig could better my monthly salary, if I know it's not about having a "safe income in case the music thing doesn't go well" anymore, then why don't I take the leap?, if music it's what I've ALWAYS wanted to do... then why am I so scared?
The reason I want to stay
I feel like I owe some kind of loyalty to the school, the other teachers and to my students.
And that sense of loyalty is kind of hurting me right now.
Funny thing... I'm thinking this whole "staying for loyalty" is a stand I took unvoluntarily, and I don't think it only applies to my job, it also applies to my always present desire of leaving the country.
How do we know if that loyalty is making us stagnant and it's time to leave?
Of course a lot of things can influence decision making in cases like this... the truth is that there is no "safe choice" for me anymore and I think the time for making a live changing decision has arrived. I hope I can be brave enough to take it, when I figure out which one it'll be.