Dream of being a public safety issue

It has been 24 days since my last episodic dream. I thought I was okay. That I was doing fine and now to awoke 3am in the morning.

My heart is pounding, I could taste the salt on my cheeks on the tears that fell. A feeling of hurt and betrayal fills me to my very core.

I know I am to blame for this because the last two weeks I have been joining several topics in social media that got me feeling really angry and passionate to defend. I knew it would be a possible trigger but I kept on. Egged on by deep need to get my thoughts through as well as move forward certain advocacies .

Apparently it has become too much and thus I experienced another nightmare.

It starts as often like my dreams are. An ordinary scene. A scene of me just walking and enjoying talking to some friends. They are not my real life friends or I don't recognize any of them but in the dream they are friends.

We were talking about something but in the lucid moments of waking up I have no recollection of what it is.

Then suddenly I felt pangs of a trigger. I knew I was about to have an episode. I tried to politely get away saying I needed to be somewhere else. Someone doggedly followed me asking me I am okay. If they offended me somehow. I said I'm fine like I have always done and to just leave me alone. More people enter the picture. I feel overwhelmed. I am trapped and feel unsafe. Which I should not because these are friends.

I tell them to please back off that I am having an episode. One asks "what episode?" I said I have some mental issues that I am going through and at this moment I am having an anxiety attack.

Then I see it in their eyes. Those eyes that judge. Those eyes that make me feel pitiful. That makes me feel unwanted.

I walk away and some people hold me telling me to stay. Some call the police. I said don't work I'll work things out and be okay in a bit.

No they say. I am not going anywhere. I feel my arms crush as they hold on to me stronger. It feels being weighed down.

The police arrive. I hear words like "Crazy", "a public safety issue", "might go postal and start shooting people"

I could not believe what I was hearing. I was just pleading for them to let me go. That I would be a good boy. They did not need to worry. Tears were freely flowing.

One of the cops yank my arm and handcuff me. Saying I was disturbing the peace and a potential threat to the public. I needed to be sent to the loony bin. Weird how fixated I was at that moment on the word loony bin.

You are crazy was what he said. You might attack people. I tried to reason that I am more a threat to myself than other people but it fell on deaf ears.

I was placed inside the mobile car and droved away. I could feel the sting of the metal as it cut through the flesh. I could feel my tears falling and gnashing my teeth as the police siren rang in ears loudly.

I awoke and looked at my wrists. No tie marks or cuts. Part of me was relieved but q part of me was hurting with the stigma and judgement of having mental issues. The friends in the dream was not real but I still felt betrayed and hurting. Discriminated and judged.

I lay here in the darkness with my thoughts.