I mainly slept this day. I read from a book of the Four doors of the mind from Patrick Roffruss from his book In the Name of the Wind.
"Perhaps the greatest faculty our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.
First is the door of sleep. Sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. Sleep marks passing time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. When a person is wounded they will often fall unconscious. Similarly, someone who hears traumatic news will often swoon or faint. This is the mind's way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.
Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying 'time heals all wounds' is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.
Third is the door of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. While this may not seem beneficial, it is. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind.
Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told.
Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind (The Kingkiller Chronicle, #1)"
It always struck me whenever I read that passage on how we as humans react to pain.
Each one is different. Each one shaped by their environment, upbringing and mental strength will react to a certain situation in a myriad of ways.
Some may brush it off, some focus on it and never move on, some to delve into madness or forgetfulness. Whatever the outcome our mind tries it's best to protect us.
Yesterday I had the misfortune of burning my PC. To some this is not a big deal as they can just go outside buy the parts they need and fix it.
I experience anxiety attacks whenever I go out of my house. I can't be around other people and the bright light and sounds deafen me and I just want to hide.
I could have the parts delivered and attempt the repair but that costs money and I am not sure what else is broken. I could buy a few parts and it still might not work.
I could ask a technician to come over and assess it first and then recommend what I need to buy. Again this costs money of which my life savings has been shrinking at ever a rapid pace as I have not worked for quite some time now and have no other means of augmenting it. I tried my hand at some online work but found myself distracted at times and unable to concentrate. All I can do is read books and articles. Also play games. That is mostly keeping me here.
I was thinking of asking help from my siblings but I know they are having difficulties as well. Whenever they ask I always say I am fine. That I am getting help and still drinking medication. Honestly I am not getting help not buying medications. Between eating and meds I picked food as a more immediate concern as I struggle to budget the limited funds that I have.
So without any recourse yesterday I slept. I slept because I could not think of what to do. I slept because I felt at a lost at what future I will have. A lifeline was cut away and again to some it might seem trivial and that I could control but then again I am not okay in my head.
Some things that I could do before with ease I find it so difficult to do nowadays. I could remember tasks and goals for the day and week before now I sometimes have trouble remembering what happened in the morning or some of the conversations I had the previous night. Promises broken, tasks left undone.
I sleep and I forget. There is a tinge of the madness in me. Sometimes I feel like stepping into the final door is the only answer left...