Da Gym

Before the birth of little boom, the good lady and myself were assessing our finances and looking at our budget post-birth when she would not be working.

The first thing to get the chop was our membership of a fancy dan gym nearby.

Back then I smiled and nodded my approval at this budgetary move whilst inside I nashed my teeth and shed a fat salty tear or two. In the interests of health/keeping my guns looking sweet, we agreed that upon my return to work I could join one of those budget gym group places.

Today I went online and joined one and at lunchtime headed off for my first gym session in some six or seven weeks.

I entered the building that housed the gym. Unlike my old gym, there was no-one to greet me. Just some walls adorned with graffiti and a row of stark metal turnstiles. It was like a train station in Naples.

Around me the lunchtime crowd funnelled through the turnstiles after inputting some beepy code.

I curled my lip up in distaste, what were we, livestock?

Not wishing to be singled out as an outsider and potentially set upon by the ravening commoners I confidently input my own code to the turnstiles and moved through with the herd.

I followed the signs to the changing room. Inside it was full of sweaty hairy men standing with their penises out. I gave a pronounced sniff of distaste. Is this what I was reduced to? Spending my lunchtimes with a horde of hairy men and their greasy penises?

I moved to a locker. That was odd. It didnt have a swipe card lock. Just a metal hoop.

Ye need a padlock mate.

I looked to my left where the grunting monkey noise had emanated from. A naked hairy man was toweling himself. I wasn't one to judge but if he toweled himself any harder he was in danger of ejaculating.

I made a cat eating a cigarette face.

A padlock? I dont have one.

Ootside, theres a machine.

Replied the penis towelling monkey.

Hmmph, I purchased said padlock then changed and headed into the gym.

It was cold and full of unattractive sweaty people. I looked around for the coffee shop. Fuck sake, there wasn't one.

The barbarity of it all depressed me. Forlornly I moved to the free weights section and started my workout. The weights seemed heavier than they should. This is pish, I thought to myself.

Later I returned home from work.

How was your new gym?

Beamed the good lady, no doubt full of cheer at the piles of money she saw us saving.

It was fucking shit, you bastard, I thought.

It was smashing lass.

Oh that's great, bet you can't wait to go back!

In my head a line of penis towelling men laughed at me.

Yeah, can't wait.