The Internets

I woke up to the sound of bloodcurdling screaming. I jerked upright.

What in the bloodiest of fucks?

I yelled.

Downstairs in the house, the screaming continued. I could hear the little lady trying to push her lungs out of her mouth accompanied by the good lady yelping and the baby crying.

I checked my phone, half past eight?!?! Looks like my promised long lie was indeed that, a big fat lie.

I quickly ran downstairs to see what was wrong. I burst into the living room resplendent in my boxers, bloodshot eyes and standy-out hangover veins on my forehead.

Before me was pandemonium. The little lady was screeching whilst rolling around on the carpet. Tears flying out like a lawn sprinkler from her big red face. The good lady was walking back and forth with the little boom who was yelling in a fine counterpoint to the little lady.

WHATS GOING ON?

I yodelled over the commotion.

Both the ladies ran to me calling out in chorus.

Daddy! Daddy!! The internet is broken. THERE IS NO INTERNET!!?!?

I reeled back. What? No internet? Instantly I saw mankind flung back to the dark ages. No more internet brides from Russia, people forced to communicate via two plastic cups attached with a piece of string.

I moved to the window and looked fearfully out of the blinds. Were the planes falling out of the sky? No, it looked normal. At least. So far it did.

Calm down everyone.

I made big patting motions with my hands as if patting a gigantic dog.

Tell me, what happened?

The good lady hurriedly described the situation. It was worse than I thought. It seemed as if partway through streaming a movie everything had just stopped. The good lady had tried to whatsapp me, but there was no signal. Things had degenerated into barbarism almost immediately after.

It was lucky I came down when I did or they may have starting bashing each other with rocks.

I moved cautiously to the internet router, my head pounding in time to the beat of my heart with my shiny New Year hangover.

Behind the router were several wires. Sweat beaded on my brow as I chose the one nearest to me and tugged it loose. The lights on the router went out.

A wail went up from the little lady.

Nooooooooo!!

Steady!

I barked.

With quivering hands I pushed the wire back in to the router. The lights came on and started flashing in it's boot up sequence. I stood up and backed off carefully motioning for the squawking mob behind me to do likewise.

I fished out my phone from my pants (don't ask) and raised it slowly up to eye level. The wifi icon showed as connecting.

It blinked in and out twice then...

The TV resumed playing Moana from where it had left off.

Sobbing the family came forward into my big manly and heroic arms.

What did you do to save us Daddy?

Breathed the good lady huskily, her nethers obviously inflamed with passion at my heroics.

I breathed in deep through my nostrils and perched my hands on my hips.

I switched the router off and on again baby. Nothing more than that.

The family cheered and fired party poppers in my honour.

Hurrah for Daddy! HURRAH!