I am so grateful I met Sebastian. In life I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't decided to move out to California to be with him I would have never spent the last months in Meme's life with her. Sebastian was always very loving and very supportive. He was the first boyfriend my grandma ever got to meet and he as well created a connection with her. It made my day seeing them interact.

(If you didnt see part 1 of my journey, you can read it here)

The first time Sebastian and Meme met, she cooked up a storm. She made coq au vin (a french chicken dish with a wine and mushroom glaze) and quiche and roasted vegetables and pasta. It was a feast. He surprised us with 3 orchid plants (which happened to be one of my grandma's favorites) and a painting of Prince he made, who had just recently passed away. It was the cutest dinner I ever witnessed. Him trying to understand her through her thick french accent. He loved the food, he loved her and I think she loved him too. I'm smiling thinking back to their interactions.

When we found out she was sick, he went above and beyond asking what he could do for me. I just wanted space. I wanted time to be with my family. I didn't understand why she had to suffer such a cruel death. Selfishly I was mad she was leaving me. We had so much more to experience with each other. She was suppose to be at my wedding and hold my newborn. I couldn't think of anyone but her. So I kinda left Sebastian on the back burner. Which I think he understood it and respected my wishes.

After she passed, I continued to live in her big house, alone. It was sad and strange. I would still go down to the kitchen and expect her to be there. Either cooking or reading or knitting. I didn't accept she wasn't coming back.

Sebastian offered to come and live with him and his family. But it was a different dynamic than just him. He lived in a 3 bedroom house with his mom, dad, and 15 year old brother. I couldn't imagine not having my own space to go and be alone if I needed it. I wasn't ready for that commitment. It would have been different if it was just him and I. But it wasn't. We talked about the subject for hours and days, and I think it hurt him that I was so stubborn on the fact.

His favorite line was "I just want you to be happy."

I knew that. I told him I wanted him to be happy as well but if he loves me. He has to love me when I'm sad too. I've dealt with loss in the past. I've lost my grandpa, a former classmate and boyfriend, teachers, friends. I thought I knew how to cope. But if it's different with someone who has such a big place in your life. I was closer to my grandma than my own dad. My aunts and cousins knew how strong my grandma's and my bond was. Even though she wouldn't admit it to anyone else, I was her favorite grandchild because I was my mom's baby. And my mom was her favorite daughter. It wasn't a secret, my aunts knew, but there wasn't much they could do about it.

Meme's house went up for sale in December. Throughout the months, I helped get rid of everything in the house. It was draining and exhausting and I was lost and numb. I was still going to work full time, but I felt empty. Sebastian and I we're in a tough place. I didn't know what I wanted in life and I became depressed again and I didn't have insurance to see a psychiatrist to go back on my medication.

Meme's house sold the first week of January. I loved California and I still had hope for Sebastian and I so I didn't want to leave yet. I suggested the option to find a place with Sebastian and live together, but he didn't want to leave his family.

With the money I had saved working while I wasn't paying rent and living with my grandma, I was able to find a cute 1 bedroom apartment. I moved some of my favorite furniture pieces from my grandma's house and all the basic appliances I would need.
My apartment filled up fast with all of my stuff I brought from Colorado, plus the things I got while I was living with Meme, plus all of the things my mom and I wanted to keep from my grandma.

Sebastian and I decided it might be good to break up. I didn't feeling like I was making him happy, and he didn't accept that I was still sad. Throughout the next couple of months I picked up another job and worked 60 hours+ trying to afford living in my place.

Around the middle of April I started to think of my next steps in life. I was overworked and underpaid, and my rent was ridiculous to maintain. Sebastian and I still kept in contact, talking once or twice a week. I missed him but I needed to figure out what was going to best for me. I couldn't do this anymore, I didn't feel like I was moving forward. I needed a change.

After a wonderful long and inspiring conversation with my mother, we came to the conclusion that I needed to move. I needed to be in an environment that encouraged growth and going back to school felt like the best option for me. I enrolled back into classes at CU Boulder and began packing up my life.

In June I flew out to Boulder and met up with my mom to look at places to rent for this fall. After multiple days of looking without any success, we finally found an apartment near campus that matched students with roommates. Out of complete luck, we happen to walk into the leasing office right after a slot had opened up. I found a place and I felt like I had something to look forward to again in life! The dates worked out perfectly because my lease ends at the end of July and I could move in as soon as July 15th so I had a 15 day window.

Back in February I decided to sell my big ole' gas guzzlin 1998 Toyota Land Cruiser and buy a smaller car that was more efficient for California living. Looking back, I wish I still had my big baby because my 2006 Toyota Camry holds 1/2 as much as the Land Cruiser. As I was starting to prepare for my move I looked into renting a uhual, but that would have cost me at least $1,300, and there was no way I could afford that. So I went with option 2 to pack up my little Camry and do multiple trips to and from Colorado.

My first stop was my mom's place to drop off some stuff of mine along with sculptures and pieces of artwork we both wanted to keep from Meme's house. So just a few days ago I packed up my car and I was off to complete 16/48 hours of driving.

I'm now sitting on the couch in my mom's apartment, drinking tea and typing. I wanted to share a bit of backstory to how I got to where I am now, and what inevitably led up to my decision to go back to school. Over the next couple weeks I'm not going to be posting as often as I would like due to everything going on in my life. But nonetheless I wanted to share my story and continue to update you on my journey.

Sending you lots of love and warm wishes,

xx

Lauren