It's never too late to start

My whole life it's felt like I've never completed things and I feel like it's seriously arrested my development. I'm not going to write out my whole life story even though I wish I could, because posts like this are basically my therapist, but I'll give you an idea.

I'm 18 and some months ago I dropped out of my senior year of high school. I'm not making excuses as the rest of this post will back up, but my school system had a serious mental health problem with 7 suicides (4 alumni, 2 seniors, and 1 5th grader) this year. The environment was suffocating and maybe I'm just weak, but I couldn't stay. I got a part time job which I had for 3ish months until a bout of depression and I just never went back. I have so many ideas. I feel like my mind is so powerful. People tell me I'm smart. But I have no motivation. My Junior year psych teacher and one of the few people I had a positive experience with in my school system before I left sent me this:

"I thought of you when I read this. I thought you might find it interesting. Something to ponder."

From The New York Times:

Why Do Anything? A Meditation on Procrastination

The procrastinator is both contemplator and man of action, which is the worst thing to be.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/18/opinion/why-do-anything.html?mwrsm=Email

I've read countless posts, had countless discussion with people online and in life about this, and spent what seems like years in my head thinking about it and I feel this is something many of us face. I have so much ambition, but no direction. I can't manage to stick to any one thing long enough to carry it out and anytime I do start to make progress I lose all motivation and continue to live in my head.

But it's becoming something I can no longer accept of myself. I know that I create my own reality, both subjectively and objectively. I know that to be a Man I must follow a passion, work hard, and enact change in the world around me. I have a world view I would love to sit and discuss with you amazing people for hours and hours that I see so vibrantly around me every day in so many ways, but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ENACT IT!

I can't find a cause. There's no clear path. It's a branching tree of nodes with infinite possibilities in front of me, none any less appealing than all the rest. I would honestly be content allowing the world to wash over me while I simply enjoy the feeling of everything. But then I find myself a stunted adult, confined to my room and friends, with no drive, no fire in my eyes, and no resources.

I want to speak what I think but I can only do it honestly with people that care. Anything else colors my reality without my permission. I honestly feel I, like us all, have something special if only I could find a way to share it. Any time I turn on a camera or microphone or try to speak to new people, or make a change my mouth has nothing to say and my mind won't stop with thoughts of insecurity.

I guess writing this all out complaining to strangers is a perfect example of my inability to grow up. I know it's all up to me. I know it's all inside of me, as is every dream inside every one of you. Does it feel like the world is waking up to something to anyone else? I can't tell if it's just the reality I've painted for myself.

But I want to make an impact. I want to be someone my ancestors are proud of. I want to be someone I am proud of. I guess I am. But what to do? I was made for something I know it. That's what Nihilism teaches you. In the face of absolute non-meaning as Carl Sagan said “The significance of our lives, and our fragile planet, is then determined only by our own wisdom and courage. We are the custodians of life’s meaning. We long for a parent to care for us, to forgive us our errors, to save us from our childish mistakes. But knowledge is preferable to ignorance. Better by far to embrace the hard truth than a reassuring fable... If we crave some cosmic purpose, then let us find ourselves a worthy goal.”

But what goal is worthy in this land of confusion? The world is upside down and only gets stranger each day. We are living through the end of history. The eschaton approaches now at blistering speed and all I can think about is freeing myself from my immaturity. My generation are the ones to do it. The world is about to change.

But what is my worthy goal? Wake people up? It's happening regardless. Calm people down? No need yet, the turbulence hasn't begun to rattle our vehicle hard enough. Talk about it like a crazy person as I am now? Idk. Maybe. We'll all start to feel it in our own ways in the coming years.

I guess that's what it's all about. You reading this. Me typing this. Everything we've all done out entire lives leading this this very moment our minds connect though the global information data field. Only to touch for the microsecond in cosmic time, one small synapse transmitting data for an instance only to drift apart likely to never encounter each other in the sea of all knowledge until the day we all become one. Maybe not us specifically. But it's not hard to imagine a day when the technology that started in our universities, then made it's way into our homes, crawled into our pockets and is now trying to climb on our faces may merge with or usurp our descendants. Till then WAT DO?

Maybe I should write more often?