So You're Planning on Moving to Canada, Eh? (~Mature~ Reader Discretion Advised)

This is @nonameslefttouse, The Writer Himself reporting

LIVE!

I'm standing about three hours away from the Canada/US border. Looking south, I'm happy to report it appears as though the USA is still there and has not blown up yet! Isn't this exciting news! I know this reporter is one relieved mother fucker.

I have to tell you, these past few months have been tense. Especially under news related stories on facebook. Many modern day prophets of our time have predicted the end of days is upon us. We must stay vigilant! You never know if they're speaking out of their ass or their face but all information is good information.

In light of recent events, things have not changed! The people have spoken! They are half baked, worked into a frenzy and are scared as fuck!

"We gotta get outta here!"

Many of the nicer looking Americans who wear fancy clothes and sport cool hairstyles took to social media or stood in front of their camera crews to say they are on their way to Canada! They seek refuge from this menacing scourge of society known as hysteria.

The people have observed this behavior and began emulating their personal hero's mentality. There has never been a better time in the history of humanity to let someone else do your thinking for you!

Before you get too close to that border, there are a few things you should know first before you try to climb that wall and escape your freedom cage. I shall help shed some light on these necessary precautions that you should probably fucking know.

Welcome to Canada!

#1

Who's the immigrant now, bitch.

That's right, it's you! Be prepared to work in our fields and get treated like shit. Every time you speak you will be told to speak Canadian or get the fuck out! It's pop!

#2

Don't bring a gun to a hockey fight.

That's right. You will be known as one stupid mother fucker if you think bullets and an attitude will stop the viscous, shirt pulled over your head, constant right uppercut beating of pent up "it's fucking cold outside" frustration. Don't even fucking try! Leave your guns at home!

#3

You heard correctly. Baby, it's cold outside!

And I don't want hear you bitching about it! We have this fucking thing called a winter coat! Put it on and shut the fuck up! If you don't I'll shove my fucking toque so far down your damn throat you'll be wishing your were a porn slut at the blowjob party instead!

#4

Maple Syrup

Don't even fucking go there!

#5

Dis, dat, dese and dose. Dat ain't gangsta!

You better learn quick. These old guys don't speak like that because they're gangsta! It's called an accent and their family probably came from Ukraine or Poland or some other place you never heard of due to your fucked up education system. They're not illiterate and they're not about to "bust a cap in yo ass," so calm the fuck down!

#6

Thanksgiving is in October now.

Deal with it! Then comes Halloween, then Remembrance Day on November 11! If you laugh at anyone wearing a red poppy, you will get your ass kicked, hard! That symbol honors those who died in war. We did fight in wars, we did lose many men and women! Stop thinking Canada is a bunch of passive pussy cowards! We kicked your ass in 1812! We'll do it again! Don't fuck with us!

#7

C eh N eh D eh!

Not everyone says "eh" and it isn't every second or third word you dumb fucks! Don't think you can just come here and blend in because you know one word! Here's a curve ball for you! One side of the country says hey, so you better know where the hell you are!

#8

Saskatchewan

It's not hard to say! You're just being lazy! Sa-sca-chew-on dammit!

#9

"I think your product is defective."

Don't take it back to the store, dumb ass! That's French! Turn the package around and look for the English part if you want read so damn bad! If that's too much to ask, you're screwed buddy! This is what you get for thinking life was so damn hard back home!

#10

No! We don't all look like big, red, hairy lumberjacks!
Do I look like a big, red, hairy lumberjack to you!
The Monkey's Uncle

No! I don't! So fuck off!

Live Update!

I'm still about three hours away from the Canada/US border. I've not moved from this great vantage point and don't plan on it any time soon. Looking south, I can confirm as of this writing, the USA has not blown up yet. I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight though, this is far too nerve-racking.

I'm scared for my country! My people! My home!

Tomorrow at the crack of dawn I plan on fortifying the house and yard. I'm going to buy some canned food, a can opener, maybe some plastic forks just in case. Some napkins, toilet paper and cigarettes. That should hold me over while this refugee crisis shit hits the fan.