We're losing our sight on Masculinity I fear

Perhaps I'm speaking from personal experience here but the current climate on Masculinity is really messed up. I mean REALLY messed up.

This post isn't intended to blame or ridicule anyone but it's meant to shine a light on some of my personal reflections and instances of uneasiness I've noted along the way.

The progress we've taken in the way of emotional support for men has been spectacular. You only need to look as far as my main blog to see a variety of ways in which a man can get in touch with his emotions -- we've come far in the way that men deal with their anger. For instance we'll see men kicking punchbags to alleviate the stress and anxiety of every day life rather than using someone's face. Not all men, but I feel that a lot of men have an idea of how to process their anger and confusion properly.

Steps are being taken to heal the, "boys will be boys" scenario. A long since held belief that it's okay for young boys to push, shove and kick young girls because they like them. We're taking steps to tackle this. I once remember tormenting a girl to the point that she wanted to beat me up until I was crying because I liked her more than just a friend. Little did I know that it was because I couldn't properly process my emotions at the time, and just say, "I like you."

We're making progress in the way that men treat women, and by that I don't mean we've clubbed together in a big group of men and talked about how we could treat women better; we've actually been sitting there and listening to them, to hear them, and to make the necessary changes in our lives to make it better for all of us. Again, not all men, but those that are listening, and that's most of the men I talk to.

I can fully concede that men have a wide variety of emotional tools available to them when it comes to getting in touch with their deeper feelings, and, I dare say a lot of men have been trying it just like I have.

Yet what worries me is that we're lacking fatherhood in society. As I parent my son I'm realising full-well how important I am as a father to him. For instance I've watched him defend Mummy in a joke argument we all may be having, and one might assume that he's a Mummies boy, but as he playfully defends his Mum he does it in a way exactly as I would. So not only is he protecting his Mum, he's also mimicking me. I've often wrote about how I had no-one to joke, burp and fart with as a young boy growing up. I often wonder if the reason I've previously felt safer with females and looked up to men as role models is because of the lack of Dad in my life.

My counsellor always said that I needed a positive male role model in my life to take that adventure further. I often wondered what she meant by that. I always imagined a good male role model as someone that was always nice and supportive -- but now I'm realising that it's much more than that. Boys AND men need someone in their lives that they look up to that offers down positive encouragement, boundaries, and warmth. Someone to take us bowling, fishing, or whatever -- as long as we both enjoy the activity and enjoy each others company. My Son and I have bonded over board games and the Xbox. I want to later introduce him to some form of sporting activity, one that we'd both get something from.

Now it's easy to point to the single mothers and fathers in the world and shame and blame them and say that you need to be better, and it's even easier to cry deadbeat Dad or whatever the case may be as I see it unfold today. There is SO much shame in the world and nowhere near the amount of love there needs to be. I have a theory about that, and I think it's easier to rule and distract when we're fighting amongst ourselves, than it is to come up with some plausible and viable solutions.

But as I see it, it's everyone's problem, not just a single genders. My Dad always blamed Mum for raising a sissy (what he called me) yet he failed to look at himself and realise that if he had been there and tried to be a better person for his son I would have been different person. My Mum was always calling my Dad a deadbeat, but I've raised the question in my head a bazillion times -- why did she have a child with him? Now I understand this is a multi-layered and difficult question, but if you're going to outright blame people you must at first accept responsibility for your actions and the life you've created, right? Right. I've made a zillion mistakes in my life, but they were my own and no-one else's. I blame no-one but myself.

See what I'm trying to get at here? Masculinity is a mess; let's work at solving it together rather than pointing fingers then going back to a night on the vodka (if that's your thing), because if your aim is to blame everyone but not look into your own mistakes in life then you'll forever be blaming and never be moving forward.

My wife had a theory which is working well. Her Dad is a super nice man. He's always over here fixing things, playing with Alex, and discussing life with me. More often than not I'm with him when he's fixing, playing, and talking with me, it's a good rub off affect and I'm learning from him. I've learned to fix so many things around the household thanks to him, and more. He's also partial to the odd whisky night, which I am really sad I can't join and enjoy.

So I'm saying Dad not being there is a problem but it needn't be the end of the world I promise. If you have a boy, surround him in lots and lots of positive, and supportive role models. Don't just sit there and do it all by yourself. If there's one thing I've learned in this world is that men need good positive male and female role models in their lives to be the best that they can be. My Mum tried to do the same thing, but sadly most of the men my Mum knew at the time were toxic. I remember just after my 18th birthday she had me hanging with a guy that had told me if I had stayed in the pub on my 18th any longer he would have "punched me in the face" for being annoying. He said that jokingly, and not so jokingly. Not good role models, promise.

Also, let's stop telling our boys that all masculinity is toxic. It's something that's cropped up on my feed recently and as I side note I'd like to mention it. I absolutely refute the concept entirely. If you want your boy growing up hating himself forever then just explain to him that the way he is naturally is toxic. This is not an empowering statement, nor will it foster the empowerment of men, nor will it prosper cohesion between genders.

I firmly believe that we're all in this together - so let's start acting like it :)

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