Sometimes I wish I could trade brains with someone for just a month. Just 1 month to have consistent moods and not be up and down. What I would give for a taste of normalcy...just to feel like everyone else and not have this depression take my life from me.
I woke up today and felt sad for no particular reason at all. Just broke down sobbing and felt sorrowful. I always know when I'm getting bad again. The dread slowly seeps in and there's no way of stopping it. All of a sudden I have no energy and it's a big chore just to get out of bed and shower.
All I can do is grin, bear it, and do my best to think happy thoughts. I'm an ambitious, driven, high functioning person. When I'm unable to achieve my tasks or feel productive, I hate myself and feel guilty. I tell myself to just get up and work through it, but I can't and that only makes me hate myself more. Then, a few days later like a light switch...I'll feel normal again. Fresh slate.
Motivated and ready to take on my day. It's this dreadful, never ending, vicious cycle that is my life. I guess I just needed to vent. On here I feel like I'm always expected to be positive and uplifting. I try so hard. It's not realistic, though. It can't always be rainbows and sunshine.
It's so easy for me to forget my accomplishments and think I'm worthless, but I keep reminding myself that it's not real and this is just my brain. The illness has made me sick, but I am still worthy. I will get through this. Someday I will get the help I need. If I put as much into myself as I do others, there's nothing that can stop me.
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