There is a process for how to practice challenging and reframing feelings that cause distress. It is a process that involves taking a step back and examining the emotions that are causing distress. This can be very difficult because once we have experienced an episode of intense emotional distress it is likely that other thoughts will join the fray and make it even more difficult to get back to a state of calm. However, if you follow a simple process that includes taking a moment to reflect on the experience of the emotions you are struggling with then the challenge of this particular distress will become easier to deal with.
The first thing to do is to write about your feelings. This process requires that you be extremely careful about what you write. You do not want to say anything that makes you feel ashamed or negative. Instead, you should think about how you feel at the situation. Think about what your partner's reaction was and how you yourself felt at the time. This will allow you to decide whether you should try to make amends or whether there is nothing at all wrong.
Next, listen to yourself carefully. Really pay attention to what you are saying. Maybe even ask a family member or friend if you can hear them correctly. This may take a few minutes of your time but it is going to be worth it in the end. Once you have listened carefully, you can determine whether the feelings you are having are legitimate or whether they are being driven by other factors. If you find that they are valid, then you will want to work on them individually.
Next, challenge those negative feelings. Sometimes it is better to confront difficult feelings directly. This can be done simply by asking the question: "When was the last time you felt angry?" If the answer is never, then start to acknowledge the feeling and work on changing it.
Next, recognize the needs of yourself and your partner. In many cases, we let our partner tell us what they need. We let ourselves off the hook because we feel we know what they need and feel comfortable saying this. However, it is important to listen to our partners because their feelings and needs are just as valid.
Once you have acknowledged your own feelings and taken responsibility for them, the next step is to listen to what your partner has to say. The first instinct of most people have is to argue with their partner. However, this is not the way to fix a difficult problem. While arguing does nothing but deepen the conflict, it can actually make the situation worse.
Instead, listen to your partner as he/she attempts to work through their feelings. Listen as they share their feelings and problems and try to help them feel better. The goal is not to hear their complaints, but to understand what they are saying and why they feel the way they do. By understanding the root cause of the problem, the onus is then on you to take steps to resolve the problem.
If talking does not work, you may find helpful to write down your feelings so you can deal with them later. For some people, writing their feelings down helps them process them later when they are able to. When you take the time to process and challenge your negative feelings, you are likely to feel better in yourself and your relationships more quickly. The challenging and reframing can also help to bring out the positive feelings in you, making you feel better about yourself and the difficulties you have been facing.
