Today I'm gonna share with you the best experience I've ever had at an interview. I'm here to teach you the ways of the master.

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How to get an interview

The story starts off with 16 year old me, straight out of high school with a long summer ahead of us, we needed many expensive things such as pills, pussy, rocks and rolling paper that my parents weren't gonna pay for - we've likely all been there. I had to get a job...

Great! I love work!

I apply to a couple of places; some stood out more than others...

Unfortunately, Hemp Nation never got back to me :/

But one place did reply! It was none other than Subway. The beloved sandwich chain to which I've been a loyal customer for years - this will be piss easy.

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The Perfect Interview - Step-by-Step

Step 1: Choose the right clothes

When you walk into that interview, the first thing they're going to think about is how you look and how you're dressed - so to make a good first impression, it's important to dress well.

"You never get a second chance to make a first impression" - Will Rogers

At the time, I'd grown out of all my school clothes, shirts and trousers alike; but I had something better - I put on my muddy, baggy jeans that hadn't been washed in about a month; this is to give off a chilled, out, hard working, down-to-earth kinda vibe. It also means that when I do get the job, they've hired me for my personality - not for my fabrics.

As for footwear - I sported some worn out old shoes from school, scuff-marks everywhere and no polish meant that I was advertising how little money I have. Employers know that workers are more likely to value their job and be loyal if they have no money at all.

What shirt you wear really doesn't matter, as long as you wear an over-sized coat to cover it. Wearing an over-sized coat to an interview is an excellent way to make yourself look bigger - this gives you a huge advantage over someone who's equally pathetic looking but isn't wearing a coat. An added bonus is that you might even be able to intimidate the interviewer into giving you the job since most of the time they're just paper-pushers.

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Step 2: Play the part

When you're getting interviewed, the interviewer is assessing how valuable you'd be for the company, what traits they like about you.

So not only do you you have to make yourself appear as competent as possible; but you also have to portray yourself in a way that will make you appear to be a model worker.

On the contrary to what you might believe, employers like happy idiots who are only just skilled enough to do the job.

Have you ever been told "You're overqualified"? That means "You look like the kind of person who's too smart/depressed to work here for more than two weeks before quitting"!

To combat this you must adapt the way you come across:

• Seem like the kind of person who is too thick to leave their job or get a job somewhere else - even if they're getting treat like shit or underpaid.
• Seem as happy and optimistic as possible - even if you're depressed - optimists are bad at identifying bad stuff and this makes them very easy for employers (or spouses) to manipulate.
• Make it look like you're good with people - obviously, if you're reading this tutorial, your interpersonal skills can't be too good - but they say that if you act something enough, you become it! If you can smile, nod and laugh (at the right times) in an interview, that's half the work done!

I went into the interview with my shit eating grin in overdrive! Nodding to every word they said, I knew i was overqualified for the job so I dumbed down my answers quite considerably (more on that later). They were laughing along with me, it was great! Remember 90% of communication is non-verbal!

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Step 3: Know your shit

As a wise man once said:

"There is nothing more important than knawledge"

This holds true even in the interview room. This is where I fucked up, luckily for you, I've made these mistakes so you don't have to...

The woman asked me, do you come to subway often? I said yes

As I mentioned earlier, I like subway, my favorite sandwich is a Spicy Italian with spicy cheese, toasted, tomatoes, cucumbers, olives and mayo. I've just written that without thinking about it, but, when the woman asked me what my favorite sub was - my mind went blank - I lost my chill and blurted out the name of a Starbucks panini.

Tuna Melt

The woman paused and examined the expression on my face as I slowly realized what I'd done.

Good answer she said.

The rest of the interview was an embarrassing blur.

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Step 4: The Debrief

It's important that after every interview you take a look at yourself in the mirror, assess what you did wrong, what you did well, and what you'd do differently next time.

Unfortunately, when I took a look at myself in the mirror - I realized my zipper was down...

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Ever had a bad interview experience? Left your zipper down during an important occasion? Leave a comment!

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