A Case Against Inauthentic Apologies

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
― Benjamin Franklin

Have you ever been the recipient of an insincere apology? The kind that makes you question if the person who has hurt you is truly sorry for what they’ve done?
There’s a world of difference between being sorry v.s being sorry you got caught.
Just like there’s a world of difference between being sorry v.s pretending you are just to save face.

While saying "I am sorry " are one of the most important 3 words of the English language, it’s also a set of words that can be thrown around and utilized without genuine sincerity. A sincere apology isn’t one followed by a "but " – doing so merely cancels the attempt at being sorry in the first place. "I am sorry I hurt you – but I was hurt myself " isn’t an apology. "I am sorry I hurt your feelings – but it was not my intention " isn’t an apology.

Apologizing requires one to take ownership for his own actions and wrongdoings. By using the much too often used "but ", we are merely deflecting, and not taking full responsibility for what we did that hurt the other party involved. In a world where deflecting and projecting has become common use – the importance of taking entire responsibility for what we do can’t possibly be overstated.

Compassion is in my eyes one of the most important tool to use in the domain of communication. Being empathetic can’t possibly fail us – when trying to work our differences out, or simply when trying to communicate something with someone else. It’s all too easy to be immensely attached to our viewpoint and to dismiss anything that may contradict our way of seeing things.

Being open to being wrong is such a crucial life skill, and sadly it is also one that is very scarce in today’s world. We somehow mistakenly think we have something to lose out of being wrong, but the truth is that we have so much to gain out of being wrong. No one has ever gained more respect, love and admiration from holding on tightly to their views of the world and never admitting that they are prone to human fuckups.

What’s interesting to me is the fact that many human beings seem to be headed on this impossible pursuit of perfection, yet when it comes to something as (seemingly simple) as admitting their own mistakes and making amends for it, they have the hardest time to do it. When you are truly sorry, you don’t just brush up the three words as fast as you can in a harsh tone of voice.

You put yourself in the other person’s shoes and let them know that you understand how your action(s) have hurt their feelings, and how you intend on making sure that it does not happen again in the future. A sincere apology should make the hurt party feel heard, relived and supported. If the hurt party feels like shit after your attempt at being sorry, it’s a sign you aren’t doing it right. In theory, apologizing doesn’t seem that difficult of a thing to do, but add real life, human beings, emotions and egos to the equation, and it’s another story.