Attachment Theory – Why It Is In Childhood That We Learn To Love

" Emotional dependency is not immature or pathological; it is our greatest strength. " ― Sue Johnson

John Bowlby is a psychologist and the founder of what is called attachment theory - which are patterns of attachment that infants develop toward their primary caregiver in their first year of life. Bowlby’s experiments led to the identification of three main patterns that children display toward their caregiver: 1- secure attachment style 2- anxious attachment style 3- avoidant attachment style. There’s also a fourth pattern that has been added later on and it is the disorganized attachment. This pattern of attachment is one that represents an unclear (uncategorized) pattern that is displayed from the infant toward its caregiver.

Attachment theory is to my eyes a big contribution to the field of psychology, and one that can particularly aid us when it comes to love. I think it is fair to say that most people are unaware of their attachment style, and for the ones that do are aware of it, they may not have shared this important piece of information with their romantic partner. Gary Chapman is the pioneer of what he calls the “5 love languages” and I like to believe that just as knowing our partner’s way of showing his love for us is important - so is of finding out the secret love language of our subconscious mind.

As children, we are particularly very sensitive to our immediate environment. And in this stage of life, our parents represent the almost entirety of our world. We are dependent on them, and in the case of infants, parents ensure their complete survival. Like sponges, children absorb everything they experience. In this way, you can imagine that the emotional security and connection they receive - or lack thereof - will lay out the very first and most important foundation upon which they will learn how to love.
Do I feel safe? Do I feel loved, valued, adequate, and cared for? Are my needs being met? Can I express how I feel without fear of being shut down or judged? Do I get comfort and reassurance when I request it/ need it?

These are all fundamental matters that will shape children into the future beings that they will become - and while kids do not yet have the understanding to know these things, If these crucial needs are not being met, through a way or another, they will act out.

The early on development of unconscious coping mechanisms that kids who have not received their basic needs met from their parents will later on play out in their adult most intimate relationships.
If you’re one of the “lucky” guys, you have what I earlier mentioned as the secure attachment style. (You can thank your parents for having provided you with a safe, stable, secure and loving base😉)

For all the anxious attached in the building (raising my own hand here) , romantic relationships can be a little more complex. Any perceiving threat can trigger our internal anxious alarm. The slightest hint of rejection can make our mind drown into a sea of terrifying thoughts.

As for the ones who are avoidant in love, seeking intimacy and closeness is what they fear most. As a result, they may block the attempts of a prospective or current partner from getting too close to them. They have internalized early on that closeness equates pain as their primary caregiver may have been absent or not constant in their care.

By first being aware of our style of attachment, we can take the steps (if necessary) in order to make sure it does not control us, hurt others or sabotage our romantic relationships. Perhaps something worth mentioning is to be aware of our prospective partners attachment style.

As an example, two anxious lovers together may feed off each other’s fear of abandonment which does not make for the best fit in the long term. In contrast, an anxious dating someone with a secure attachment style may in fact help the anxious to feel safe and secured when potential fears may arise, and in that sense, these two can balance each other’s attachment styles.