" Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of enforced compliance. "
― Esther Perel
Is my blog slowly becoming an open sex conversation? Don’t ya worry! You take inspiration where it strikes, right?
So we’ve been granted the chance to go to the amusement park. The only condition we must follow is to stick to one ride and one only. Day after day, week after week, year after year, decade after decade (if we make it that far), we keep on riding the same old rollercoaster. And for some, seeing the other rides around screams temptation and the desire to break the rule we’ve agreed to commit to.
Contrary to popular belief, cheating happens in good relationships equally as it happens in relationships that were already headed south. Every infidelity is a unique case. While we look upon cheating as one of the worst forms of betrayal, the stats indicate that in every marriage, the odds that there’s some sort of infidelity at some point are between 40 and 60%. Either we don't follow what we preach, or either we're big fat liars. Either way, we suck.
I’m not suggesting here that we must embrace this reality, but rather that we should create an open dialogue around the topic of cheating, rather than keeping it secretly hidden under the rug. Who knows, maybe if cheating wasn’t looked upon as such a deadly infraction, maybe less people would choose to engage in it. (Food for thought – don’t come at me 😉 )
While different reasons ultimately lead to infidelity – the common ground to such a type of betrayal is the agonizing pain it brings upon the party that gets cheated on. Despite the excruciating pain that it can bring, I’m nonetheless a believer that healing is a possibility for those who have stepped on the fragile terrain of infidelity – as long as both parties are willing to work at it with proper guidance and therapy.
There’s no other way around it - today, the stakes are higher than ever. Never before in the history of mankind has it been easier to look away. As corny as it may sound, straying is now only a device away. And you know that when we’re left to our own devices, we usually don’t do too well;)
Human beings are wired to want contradicting things. We want novelty, yet we crave security. We long for mystery, yet we find comfort in familiarity. We want stability, yet enough freedom to do as we wish when we wish it. In a culture where swiping fatigue is the new normal and sex is a disposable thing, we feel compelled to keep as many options as open for as long as humanely possible. Commitment has lost its value because we value our own little self-interest above it all.
The moment one’s needs aren’t being met - the urge to look elsewhere for them to be fulfilled is enticing. After all, we are worthy of it all, right? We may have vowed to commit to one another ”Till death do us part” but what we really meant was more a version of “Till boredom does us part.” Or perhaps “Till emotional disconnection does us part.” How about “Till my coworker does us part”? Could work too you know...
You hit so many topics here, I am going to struggle to get all of them but I will try. What sucks about cheating, at least defining it, is that it it’s definitions are a vast as there are types of relationships.
I think one of the problems that really causes a majority of infidelity situations, I am not a marriage counselor nor a psychologist so I am probably full up shit, is that people enter committed relationships with wildly different goals. Now, they should have different goal, but the problem lies in that those goals and expectations have not been communicated to the other. In saying that, as you spoke of, needs do not get met. People stray, sometimes physically, but way more often emotionally, which in my humble opinion is in someways more damaging.
Another thing you hit on is the need for therapy. Every relationship need constant maintenance, and the ability to be open. Two often, we believe open an honest dialogue is a sign of a weakening, especially if we need help to get there. I mean, in reality, we have decided to open a business with a person based and physical and emotional feelings over the period of a couple months or years. Heck, we sometimes put more due diligence into the reviews of where we buy tires for our car. If you think your relationship doesn’t need work, then it probably needs more work than everyone else’s.
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I swear I look forward to reading your feedback daily now! (You can’t quit now, it has become a habit of mine haha:P)
You put it so brilliantly man, and you’re the opposite of someone full of shit! I’d say you’re full of wisdom!
In regards to the emotional cheating - I absolutely agree with you. Creating a place for open dialogue as you said it is crucial. So much could be avoided if people worked on their ability to be good communicators, as well as good and compassionate listeners.
You got me at “we sometimes put more due diligence into the reviews of where we buy tires for our car.” This is so sad yet so true! Just as often, people will treat strangers with the greatest respect and kindness, and back home, they’ll be the complete opposite with their spouse. This isn’t normal:(
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I think to often, on or both sides of the equation of a relationship, thinks they can fix or change the other side. When neither side wants to change or doesn't believe they are broken. It is sobering for a person to find out that their partner believes them to be broken or fixable. It is one think to see potential in someone to the point where they might grow into something. But to often, people engage into some kind of social/interpersonal engineering with their partner to create what they believe they should have from a partner.
Again, I might be full of shit. There is a good possibility.
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Much food for thought here.. you definitely lay out all the cards as they are and so far a lot of your blogs I have read have been quite relatable. The whole structure of our “get married have kids , stay together and be faithful then die” is always intrigued me ... how did it come to be I wonder 🤔
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Awww that is so nice to hear! Thanks a lot Thomas!😘 I know, right? Back in the day people got married solely for economic reasons and to bring children into the world. Not to mention that the life expectancy was nothing like it is today. “To hold and to love forever” is one big myth in today’s world. People expect marriage and their spouse to provide so much more than its ever been done. Security, Novelty, Mystery, Trust, Stability, Desire, and the list goes on and on:P
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I hear ya! ... love your philosophical interpretation. It certainly rings true
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I would say that is a personal matter, and for most it is indeed a deadly infraction. Once the trust is betrayed, it can no longer be what it was. You can't unring the bell.
As I was slightly alluding to in my comment on your previous post, we are seeing an epidemic of cheating now from the female side. 70% of divorces are initiated by women, who are most often rewarded monetarily at the mans expense by the courts. Atop this part of the injustice is the almost certainty with which the father will be lucky (if he is able to maintain his indentured servitude via child support that often can be an amount greater than his realistic ability to pay, and more than necessary for the childs survival) to see his child(ren) 4 days a month.
Then we have the potential for a sexually transmitted disease, as most believe they need no protection in their monogamous relationships, unaware that they are not in one.
We also need to consider the children that are involved. It is becoming more commonly known in the manospere that more men than one would comfortably think are raising children they believed were biologically theirs that are not. In some countries like France it is illegal for a man now to seek a paternity test.
I could write a short little book here, but do feel the need to briefly discuss societal dynamics that are not quite politically correct to assert. One can say there is equality among sexes, but the fact is that men are the builders of society when it comes to the building and maintenance of the buildings, roadways, grids etc. Part of the inducement men had was due to the religious morals that enabled the majority of men who would never have a long term relationship with a woman due to hypergamy to have one. When there is no check on womens nature to only be with and have children with the top 10-20% of men, most men see no reason to exert a lot of effort into the building and maintaining of the societal structure. Let the top 10 to 20% build and maintain for their harems and children.
We are seeing this unfold if one is willing to look past the shaming language and look at what many younger men are doing now. Many are lost (no dad to teach them how to be a man and they have watched mom parade a multitude of men in and out of their lives during formative years, etc). They see no hope to be something other than at best used by women who give them a carrot of attention to keep the young men spending money and doing labor for them. These men are not blind and see that these same women are all competing for a small circle of alpha men. Many having several children with one or more of these alpha men.
These men are not wanting to step into ready made families where they will come in last, yet be expected to shoulder so much of the burden. A saying that has sadly become a truth for many men now is that she was never yours, it was just your turn.
What I feel women aren't seeing as they are blinded by their power in the sex game is that men are beginning to ask themselves why they should pay for others children, via taxes or in a relationship. Mgtow and TRP movements are growing to combat the out of balance system we are witnessing.
So many hurt feelings, so many lost children.
It is indeed a deadly infraction, and such a shame the masses have not been taught there are blessings and true empowerment in being loyal and dedicated. Much moreso than seeking a new thrill that leaves so many damaged in its wake.
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