Separate Bedrooms, Happy Marriage? Why I'll Never Share a Room With a Man Again

Who says you have to share a room just because you're married? I have my own bedroom, and I LOVE it. Here's why.

You and Your Spouse Aren't Kids Anymore

Did you ever have to share a room with one or more siblings when you were a kid? It got kind of crowded in there, didn't it? There wasn't privacy when you wanted it. Part of the room wasn't yours to use; it had the things that belonged to your siblings in it. Your use of the room was confined to a small portion of it. You had to negotiate things like what to watch on the TV (if you had one in your room), whether to keep the lights on or off when you went to bed, and when you could have guests over without the other occupants of the room bothering you 

It was a drag.

Happy in my own room, circa 1987, after my parents decided my brother and I were too old to share a room anymore....my taste in decor has changed a lot since then, thank goodness!

Guess what? You're an adult now, and adults don't have to share rooms! Did you enjoy having your own room at college, or when you got your first apartment or house on your own? Why would you give that up, just because you're living with someone in a romantic relationship?

Unless you're living in a house that only has one bedroom, or there aren't enough rooms for your kids to have theirs AND still give you a bedroom of your own, there's no reason to let a perfectly good bedroom in your dwelling place go unused. Claim it for yourself! 

Your marriage might even be better for it. I know a lot of married people who swear by it.

How I Got Turned on to Separate Bedrooms

It was actually my husband's idea. When we decided to move in together, about three months before we got married, we found a three bedroom house about a half a block from the cottage he'd been renting. Three rooms meant one for him, one for me, and one for his 12 year old son who would be living with us.

He told me he always wanted separate bedrooms, because sharing rooms with women in the past had led to more arguments. This was because he is a musician, and often stayed up later than his previous partners, sometimes making noise by working on recording his music IN the room or near it. He also sometimes woke them up when he came in late from a gig. 

He was convinced separate bedrooms were the way to go.

Being young and in love for the first time, I wanted to sleep with him every night. He told me that was okay, but he still wanted me to have my own space, and for him to have his. He was SO right on that one.

Learning to Love It

At that point, I thought only elderly couples had separate bedrooms. My grandmother and her husband did, my great-aunt and great-uncle did, my great-grandparents did....it was something I thought happened naturally as the marriage aged along with the couple.

Because my soon-to-be husband wanted it, and I was willing to do just about anything to please him in those early days (ah, the pliability of extreme youth!), I went along with it. I even let him take the largest bedroom in the house; I wanted it at first, but it turns out, the slightly smaller on in the front of the house that I got was the ideal one for me. It had an eastern exposure that let in the morning light, which is what I had growing up, and was something I loved. 

His son took the middle room in between us.

I moved all my stuff from my bedroom at my parents' house (with the exception of my bed, dresser, and desk) into the front bedroom at my new house. My great-aunt gave me money to buy a new bed and desk, and I used the hall closet as a dresser for a few years until I inherited an antique one from my great-grandmother and started using it. 

When I started moving in, I immediately saw the benefits of having my own room. I could decorate it any way I wanted to. I could keep things where I wanted them. I could listen to the music I liked, read books from my own book shelf, and even paint the room the color I liked best. We each paid for our own separate phone lines, so I could have private phone calls without interruption or eavesdropping in my room. 

Whenever I was in there, it was my own space to do with as I pleased, and it was an excellent location for solitude when I needed or wanted it. 

I wouldn't have been able to have any of those things if I'd been sharing a room with my man.

I jumped on board with the "separate bedrooms" thing pretty quickly when I saw the benefits

My first room in my first house as an adult. See? It's right at the front, with an eastern exposure, like I said.

"But Don't You Guys Have Sex?"

Man, if I had a nickel for how many times we got asked this question early on! OF COURSE we had sex. Just because you have separate bedrooms does not mean your relationship is celibate. In fact, for the first six years of our relationship, I actually spent most nights in his bed in his bedroom. 

Being newlyweds, and all, you know.

I still had my own, private sanctuary space to use during the day, for whatever purpose I deemed fit, and no one to say anything about whatever I did in there.

Even when I started staying in my own room at night instead of his, nothing stopped us visiting each other in our respective rooms to do what married people do. And visit, we did. 

Moving from Sleeping in My Husband's Room to Sleeping in My Own

Why did I quit sleeping in my husband's room? A variety of reasons:

• We had different work schedules at the time, and those were not conducive to us going to bed at the same time or getting up at the same time.
• He preferred to have the TV on at night, and I didn't (I do now, but that preference came later)
• He is a violent sleeper, tossing and turning and thrashing about as he dreams. More than once, I was painfully awakened by an elbow to the eye or a knee to the back. I, on the other hand, tend to pick one position and stick with it while I sleep.
• He keeps studio equipment in his bedroom and often sat up most of the night working on recording music, regardless of whether I was trying to sleep or not. It was my job to ignore it and try to sleep, anyway.

At one point, after we'd been together for about five years, I had a pretty serious illness that I didn't recover fully from for about six months (a good story for another time, as that illness, which was initially a mystery one, led to some interesting adventures). I took to sleeping in my own room during my recovery, because it was more comfortable for me to be alone, in an environment I could control. It was easier for him because of this, too. He didn't have to accommodate my needs at the time if I was in my own room.

It was during this time that I realized I slept MUCH better, more soundly, more happily, and got more overall healing rest when I slept in my own room. I also didn't have the risk of injury that came with sleeping with someone whose side of the bed often looked like a war zone in the morning!

When I told him how much better I slept in my own room, he agreed that it was working out swimmingly for him, too. High-fiving each other, we decided sleeping in separate rooms was the best. We did it that way from then on, with one notable exception.

After his daughter died unexpectedly, from a medication mix-up at only age 24 (I was 29 at the time, and he was 44), I slept in his bed with him the night we found out, and for six months afterward. He understandably had an unbelievably hard time with it, and, combined with his existing mental issues, I didn't want him to be alone at that time. In fact, I hardly left his side for those first six months after losing his daughter. 

He appreciated it, and my presence was a comfort to him, and even therapeutic. But, after six months, he told me he was ready to sleep on his own again, and I went back to my own room. I've been sleeping in it ever since.

It Turns Out, We've Got What a Lot of People Want

I can decorate my room with the things I love....in this case, a selection of original art pieces by Emily Dolenz

We've moved a few times since we first got married, and we always look for houses where we can each have our own room. After the first house, which only had one bathroom, we look for houses with at least two bathrooms, too. A four-bedroom, two bathroom house is ideal for us; we use one room for him, one for me, one for my office (since I started working from home) or for storage (since I switched from desktop to laptop use for my work), and one for guests. Now that we're adopting, the guest room will become the kid's room.

As the years have gone on, and our friends have been married to their own partners longer, we've both been told by various friends and family members how much they wish THEY could have their own bedrooms, too. Usually, they can't either because their spouse wouldn't go for it, or because their house isn't big enough.

My mom and step-dad had separate bedrooms for all but the first few years of their marriage, and they're soul mates if ever I met any! My mother also told me she and my dad WOULD have had separate rooms when my brother and I were kids if the house we lived in had enough rooms to support it.

It seems a lot of people like the idea of having their own bedroom in a marriage. The lucky ones, like me and my husband, actually get to pull it off. I cherish the way we do things with the bedroom situation, and am so glad he insisted upon it when we first got together. It's probably a significant part of what has kept us together this long.

You cut down on a lot of things to fight about when you don't share a bedroom.

It's the Civilized Thing to Do

Back in days of yore, the lord and lady of the manor (or even just people lucky enough to be able to afford a slightly larger house) traditionally had separate bedrooms. It was considered the civilized way to co-habitate. There was often a door between the lord and lady's chambers, so they could "visit" each other discreetly; sometimes, their rooms were at opposite sides, or even floors, of the house. 

Now, by no means could everyone in society indulge in this luxury, but those who could, did. And those marriages with separate bedrooms still often produced copious numbers of children.

Everyone who knows me really well has known for a long time that my husband and I embrace the separate room life, so we rarely get questioned on it anymore. Like I said, a lot of our friends are even envious now. But, whenever someone DOES ask me why we do it, I just smile and wink, and say, "Why, its the civilized way to live, of course!"

It may be said in jest, but I honestly LOVE having my own room.

Conclusion--"Never Gonna Give You Up"

If I were to ever be single again, and get into another relationship, that man would have to understand I don't do shared bedrooms. This is something he would have to know and be okay with before we could become a serious item. I've seen and experienced the awesomeness of having my own bedroom in a relationship, and I'm not going back. 

That room at the end of the hall in this new house we're looking at, potential new boyfriend? The one with its own en suite bathroom? Yeah, that room is mine. You can choose another room in the house for yourself. Don't even think you're sharing with me.

Heck, I don't even like it when any of the cats sleep in my bed with me. I'm pretty sensitive to the energies of others, including animals, and their kitty energy disturbs me and keeps me from getting the sound sleep I do when they sleep elsewhere.

My husband and I even get separate hotel rooms when we go on vacation. This separate bedroom thing is really a way of life we've fully embraced.

Many of my older relatives have told me they wish they'd gotten separate bedrooms earlier in their marriages, because they believe having them is the key to a happy relationship. I believe them.

As The Monkees say in one of their more famous tunes: "I'm a believer!"

Micky Dolenz sang it best!

Share a room if you like to, but consider experimenting with having your own. You might be surprised at what you discover. It might change your whole relationship for the better.

If you need me, I'll be in my room, doing whatever I please.  I wouldn't have it any other way.