Are you a shy person? Do you struggle to make social situations seem normal?
The reason so many shy people feel anxious is that we internalize all kinds of messages from society that we believe are true. For example, shyness is associated with being weak and lacking social skills. We often believe that we’re not socially competent and others will judge us harshly. We internalize our self-criticisms and fears.
These beliefs lead us to avoid social situations entirely, and then we feel even worse about ourselves. Eventually, the cycle repeats itself.
There is a much simpler way. It has nothing to do with talking to other people.
How to overcome social anxiety is a topic I’ve written a ton about, and I want to share my most helpful strategies here.
STEP 1: Understand your own personal motivation for avoiding social situations.
Start by identifying your reason for avoiding social situations. Do you find yourself shying away from socializing in general? Or are you more interested in certain types of social interactions?
STEP 2: Understand how social anxiety leads you to avoid certain types of situations.
As you think about why you’re afraid, what comes to mind? Is it meeting new people? Talking in front of a crowd? Public speaking? Meeting someone in a new setting?
As a rule of thumb, avoid anything that triggers social anxiety. For example, you shouldn’t talk to someone you just met if it triggers your fear of getting nervous.
STEP 3: Identify unhelpful beliefs about social situations.
If you’re a shy person, the last thing you probably want to do is focus on what you’ll say or do when interacting with new people. This is natural. But if you really want to get over your social anxiety, it's important to think about your beliefs about social interactions.
Believing that you will always be judged negatively or that you are incapable of being friendly can contribute to social anxiety. In addition, believing you’re not smart enough, that you’re ugly, or that you don’t have enough experience can also create problems.
This is where identifying your motivations for avoiding social situations becomes especially important.
STEP 4: Focus on what you can control.
Do you tend to see yourself as incapable? This is common when you feel anxious. Don’t beat yourself up. Focus instead on the things you can change.
When you meet new people, remind yourself that they won’t remember you tomorrow. This will help you take your anxiety out of the equation.
And as you build confidence and start to relax, you’ll notice how positive your perception changes.
STEP 5: Recognize that the way you see yourself doesn’t have to define who you are.
The key to overcoming social anxiety isn’t about convincing yourself that you’re okay. Instead, it’s about believing in yourself.