Twentysomethings: A Struggle For Greatness | “The defining decade" by Meg Jay | Identity Capital

Sociologist Anthony Giddens said: "A person’s identity is not to be found in behaviour, but in the capacity to keep a particular narrative going."
In my 25, I'm still quite struggling to answer the questions about my future job and life in general. Funny enough the most asked question from my parents is "so what are you going to do? Do you know? Have you decided?" It puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders as I ask myself the same question over and over again.
The years 2015 and 2016 I spend in depression, blaming myself for being a loser because of the things that were happening to me. I had big changes in my life going on and I took them very negatively. However, as it came up to me later they were for the better, but because they lasted for so long, I felt crushed.
Our twenties are considered to be the most important years of our lives where we learn the most, achieve the most; we have our energy on the maximum and are able to learn more than at any other age. It is said to be the time when we decide what we want to be and how we want it to be; find our other half and probably define the direction for the rest of our lives. It's not like the moment you're 30, if you haven't achieved all of the above mention points, you're a rubbish. Absolutely no, but if you haven't got any working experience by the time you’re 30, people will have more questions to you on job interviews like “why don’t you have any experience” and your brain activity will not be as strong as in twenties, scientists says, so learning new things like languages or sports will take more energy and time. People in their thirties with empty CV are experiencing more pressure, the same goes to the private life -they find themselves in a hurry about their decisions and choices, which is not always the best.
So, returning back to me. I was looking at my younger friends feeling down and jealous (not bad jealous though), because they knew what they wanted to do and were moving towards their goals. Meanwhile I was sitting home on my bed and thinking how depressing it is to be so useless. From times to times, I had some ideas striking me and I would buy a few books and read them, but after some time lose my interest and return back to my bed. The phrase in my head was: "I don’t know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I can't do it. "
I'm not surprised the motivation was so low, because I let myself not love myself.
We used to think hard of what we want to do, looking on it from beyond ourselves, without knowing who we really are and not taking some time go get to know ourselves. What are my weaks and strongs? What is so special about me? Who am I? What makes me different from the others? The bold question “what do I want to do” will never give you a good answer. What do you want to do is a result. But there’s no result without a process, so where is a process? It’s what is missing.
Another story of mine. I’ve always knew that all people we meet are not random. Every single person leaves a part of himself in our hearts. We tend to learn and share more with people we like and feel and those kinds of conversation will never be forgotten, because they give you enough food for thought and those thoughts springing up like mushrooms after the rain.
I’m blessed to meet amazing people from all over the world, and I know now, it’s a gift. Sometimes after meeting another inspiring creative person I want to scream to the skies and thank it for having such moments in my life. Some moments just stay in my memory as a short but very expressive movie, some of them make a long-lasting story. One of my friends, once, seeing me being down told me about a book called “The defining decade. Why your twenties matter- and how to make the most of them now” by Meg Jay. “Very intriguing”, I thought. He said something like that I should read it and think about it and my life and maybe it will help me to figure something out.
The book took all my attention from the first page, I was hungrily reading it and even writing some things down. The main advantage of the book is that author present her ideas in existing examples from her practice. She allows you to be there and with them. Such examples give you a wider look on the situation and on the positions of the psychologist and a client. Of course, you can’t put absolutely everything just in one book. Some of her clients were visiting her for years, but the way she summarises the experience is absolutely amazing. If you can read between the lines, you can probably feel sometimes the fight inside of the people coming to her. You will find examples, literally describing events in your life and that is going to make you not only love the book but most importantly feel it.
The reading process was so easy and I can compare it to a real conversation with a very smart interesting and open-minded person, that I think this woman really is. The book has 3 main chapters dedicated to WORK, LOVE, THE BRAIN AND THE BODY. Every chapter has at least 5 subchapters, which are based on different stories and people. Each of them points on the important points of life of twentysomethings, supported with examples.
In my middle twenties, I experience many struggles and fears that sometimes prevent me from moving forward. Why are the twenties being so important and so hard at the same time?
Because I was so extremely engaged with the book I decided to make notes of the topics that I found crucial for myself, so I won’t forget or lose them. I want to share some information and quotes about the term called Identity capital.
"Identity capital is our collection of personal assets. It is the repertoire if individual resources that we assemble over time.
Identity capital is how we build ourselves - bit by bit, overtime."
So basically, our identity capital is what we going to tell about ourselves on the job interview or new friends, is what we going to put in our CV and what differentiate us from one another, our inner and outer achievements and generally the way we are. We base our work and life (friends, relationships) preferences on what we are ourselves. "It's the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships and other things."
There two types of identity capital, the one that goes on a resume like degrees, jobs, test scores; and the other - personal like the way we look, speak, where are we from and others.
"This path to identity is associated with a host of positive outcomes, including clearer sense of self, greater life satisfaction, better stress management, stronger reasoning and resistance to conformity..."
The best way to spend our twentysomethings is to grow toward our potential. "A part of realising our potential is recognising how our particular gifts and limitations fit with the world around us. We realise where our authentic potential actually lies."
The author points out that distinctiveness is a fundamental part of identity. "We develop a clearer sense of ourselves by firming up the boundaries between ourselves and others." Discovering and learning about ourselves, recognising our weaks and strongs we are coming to realisation of "I am who I am of how I am different from whose around me".
"...often the first thing we know about ourselves is not what we are - it's what we aren't. We have to shift from a negative identity, or a sense what I'm not, to a positive one, or a sense of what I am. This takes courage."