No one wants to die, they just want the pain to stop </3

I apologise for already breaking my tone of sarcasm in my posts, but I want to get real with your for a second

“No one wants to die… They Just want the pain to stop” said someone, once... or twice.

Disease: ‘a disorder of structure or function in a human’

Depression: 'feelings of severe despondency and dejection.'

Addiction: 'the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity'

Make no mistake. Depression is a disease. And addiction is it bitch.

It hit me like a punch in the throat... Chester Bennington took his own life this week, on the birthday of his good friend Chris Cornell who took his own life this year.

Opening instagram to see Professor Green’s post reading ‘Another life lost… Men aged 15 – 45 still posing more danger to themselves than anything, than anybody else’… then I look at the image again and the tragedy sinks in.

“ [Age standardized] There were an estimated 788 000 suicide deaths worldwide in 2015. This indicates an annual global age-standardized suicide rate of 10.7 per 100 000 population” (WHO.int)

U.K Female suicide rate in 2015 3.2 per 100,000 population
U.S.A Female suicide rate in 2015 5.8 per 100,000 population

Areas at the highest rate in Females: Bollvia, Guyana, Sierre Leone, Cote d’Ivoire, Burkina Faso, Angola, Zimbabwe, India Sri Lanka, Republic of Korea & Demographic Republic of Korea

U.K Male suicide rate in 2015 11.7 per 100,000 population
U.S.A Male suicide rate 2015 19.5 per 100,000 population

Areas at highest risk in Males: TAKE A LOOK.

According to suicide.org over 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time, and untreated mental illness is the number one cause of suicide today.

Look, I started this blog with the intention of being completely honest & to support open discussion about taboo subjects such as depression. And I've spent a good handful of hours debating whether to keep my relationship with depression in or out, but I have to. So let me tell you, I have known depression my entire life, my mother is a manic-depressive, who has suffered with both an eating disorder and addiction. My father, who has bi-polar disorder and has suffered and is still slave to addiction. I myself, experience moments of darkness, there’s no other way to explain them, that’s how it feels, an infinite hole, empty, alone. For me it’s getting much better, but not without a gut wrenching amount of effort. Even still, with my experiences with depression & addiction, I still can’t comprehend someone else’s battle, I can relate and have compassion, but all I truly know is how I handle it.

So let’s remind ourselves, on a daily basis, you never know what someone is going through. YOU REALLY DON’T.

The reason that depression is untreated, is because we don’t talk about it enough, so when we do talk about it, it's not met with open arms but more at an arms length ("what do I do with this subject"). Needing help for your cancer is acceptable but for your mental health it’s considered “weak”… The suicide rates in men are vastly higher across the globe, I’ll take a leap to say it’s because a man talking about his mental health is still such unspoken terrain, due to the stigma associated with it. I used the word weak up there but for a man, still society’s “bread winner”, the pressure is crimpling, the statics prove how much so.

Less men seek mental health support than women, and you can see from the images – that they suffer the consequence.

Using recent events as my example. I want to talk about Brian Head Welch (Korn guitarist) calling Chester a “coward”. Not an uncommon opinion of people who take their own life. Plenty of people think it. How many times have you felt annoyed at the person who jumped in front of a train causing you delays – rather than sadness? One of Welch’s points was that he left behind 6 kids, yeah he did, he left behind 6 children, a wife, his family, his band, loads of friends… how bad must it have been for him to have all that and still not be able to live? Imagine that… for a second… he had success, money, family, friends and he couldn’t do it. Imagine that pain.

The tributes to Chester, majority speaking, are words of admiration for his intellect, talent, kindness, people spoke about his commitment to chasing his dreams. He gave so much to so many, his family, friends and fans.

Another common reaction to someone suffering with a mental illness, AND LET'S JUST touch briefly on THIS sentence, the one that begins with, “You’ve just got to”… I’ll hold my hands up, I’ve said this to people I love. And what a fool I feel for saying it now I know better. Saying “You’ve just” to someone who is failing apart inside, “JUST” like it’s easy. Easy for who – you, me? Playing it down, like it’s oh so simple makes that person in front of you, or at the end of the phone feel completely useless, you’ve made it sound so easy with your “just” but they still can’t do it. They can’t just do anything.

Their own brain has turned on itself, like a disease, blocking logic every step of the way, negative thoughts are being breed in every direction, and it all focuses back on “why can’t I JUST”… It’s me, I’m broken, I useless, I am a burden, I’m fat, I’m unlovable, nobody wants me around anyway, I’m more hassle than it’s worth.

When I was given the “Just”, I’ll be honest, I completely lost my shit. I couldn’t understand how this person was saying this to me. In hindsight, they weren’t wrong I did just need to get a grip… but hindsight is only good for next time, not at the time. At the time – quite frankly, you and your “just” can get fucked.

Why do I want to discuss this, why after this guy killed himself? Chester Bennington’s suicide hit me much like Robin Williams’ did, because they were, for me, a gentle whisper of understanding. What they gave me, and I imagine so many, was a flicker of light in the darkness. I wasn’t ready to talk to the people right in front of me… But I realised that I wasn’t alone in my feelings through the art and artists I was drawn to.

And if you are someone who experiences depression, you feel lost, alone, and don’t particularly want to talk to anyone. You’re not alone, it’s in the music, films, literature you are attracted to. Find your song... let it help you find your voice.

Depression is a cunt, and addiction is it’s bitch. BE KIND.

Break the stigma – TALK ABOUT IT.

This post is not to say... a little tough love can't ever come into play. Tough love has it's place. It would be unfair to say that a person experiencing secondary depression should suffer in silence either, it's frustrating watching someone hurt themselves and you can't understand why... I will be writing another blog about this.