Week of Thoughts (4/7) Heading to Church

Okay, so... I almost never go to church. It causes me severe distress, due to being raised Southern-Fried Baptist and taking it hard. Bad times, lotsa violence due to original sin, just... Bad.

To the point that hearing or seeing Bible verses causes a panic response. It took me years to be able to walk into a church unarmed without hyperventilating and becoming nauseous. Which is pretty goddamn awful when you felt the call to witness at age four, before your parents switched churches and went full-blown redneck with it. It took them (not my parents, but others) a very long time, but with persistence, they finally managed to mock and beat the faith out of me... and then blame me for losing my faith.

It's very difficult having to walk around, 12 years old, pretending to be alive with a broken spirit. Takes alot of work. You can't tell anyone, because the first thing they'll do is start witnessing at you, driving you straight into a panic attack with only the best of intentions. And you try to hold yourself together long enough to make it home so you can bawl. Most of the time, it took hours... Hour after hour, a shivering wreck, and knowing that when you get home, that's when things will really get bad.

The Trying Man made a terrible sacrifice to keep me alive through it all. Let's just say that dying on a cross isn't the biggest favor he's ever done for me. <3

Still, it's a horror-show, growing up in the south like that.

It was 1995, I think, before Aunt Lili scooped me up. She had been watching me since I was 12, I know that now. Scared the bloody hell out of me at first, because I was so fully indoctrinated, and when you're neurodiverse; or suffering from C-PTSD in an environment were you are re-traumatized on an hourly basis... you quite unfortunately form attachments and trust at an extremely deep level. Any port in a storm, that sort of thing.

If only I had known that she was the one port that would have sheltered me.

(Edit: Thinking about it now, when I called to the Moon for assistance, why on Earth would I have expected anyone else? Unfortunately, resources about witchery weren't available like they are now. This was the height of the Satanic Panic of the 80's... So you were completely on your own.)

Then when I was 15, I went and did something immensely stupid, but so goddamn sweet, and all in the name of love; that Granny Luci showed in person, though I didn't know it was her at the time. And she got me through until 1995, when Aunt Lili was able to lay proper claim to me... And in the summer of '96, Christ himself was able to get back in... I sure ain't been easy on that bunch; the Three and One.

Photo by Angelo Del Prete on Unsplash

Anyways, back to the point... Lol, got lost there for a while. It happens.

So I was able to go to Catholic churches, if I really tried. I could study the architecture and stained glass, the loveliness of the buildings themselves. I could do that, and manage to hang on. It was hard, but I could. Still, I couldn't keep up the effort every week, because when I left, the fear would come again. It never stops, really. Thankfully, neither does She...

Photo by David Dibert on Unsplash

But I went by the local Unitarian church today. I wasn't scared, though I think some of them may have been scared of ME, lol. My countenance raises some eyebrows on occasion. But luckily, there's this one goth kid, a vampire by the look of him, who has softened the joint up. Glad to see him there. Ofcourse the place is crawling with SJW's, and though that is problematic, in a sense; I'm not going to hold it against them. After shaking off the fleas, I have precious few friends in this town. So I figure these guys are my best bet, considering that I can -actually- sit down without being scared. They're just tuned in where they're tuned in, as am I.

Today's lesson was Part 2 of a series involving stewardship, how to try and speak effectively and come together with folks you don't trust. I sat around after the service and joined in the reflection period, when people share their thoughts. It was very positive, overall, and though I did feel the need to remind them that they can't save anyone if they are a shivering wreck, and that it's totally okay to have boundaries... It went well. I wasn't that blunt about it, tried to sugarcoat it a bit.

I have an odd feeling they have much to teach me. =)