What do you want?

Last night I listened to a woman read a passage about longing. She listed the things she's never done, and then, in the next breath, the steps she never took to achieve those things.

That struck me--that awareness. It's easy to long for what we don't have (I do it all the time); it's far harder to admit why we don't have those things.

When I consider what it would take to achieve the things I think I want, I realize I don't want them that badly. But that's not because I'm especially content or lazy; it's because of the answer I gave, a few minutes later, when another woman asked what compels me: "I don't know." I've been surrounded by goal-driven people my entire life. I admire them and sometimes I envy their ability to see not only their goal but also the road to it. The steps it will take to get there.

For months I've felt at a clearing. Everything that's come before has led me here; ahead of me, only choices.

I can't see it yet--where I'm going or the path to get there. It's not clear, so every day I work on not forcing it, on trusting that it'll appear when I'm ready, and, in the meantime, figuring out what really matters to me: living authentically, showing up with my whole self, being there, sweating, writing, reading, being silly, being patient, being present, being here.