He did die. He died. I just heard it a few hours after having written the last stream of consciousness. Quite some hours ago now. A car crash. Not his fault. Someone else falling asleep, crossing over to his part of the road and crashing into him. He probably died instantly. Jan said the police told her his body was devastated. So probably no a cool out of body experience that will end soon... It feels super unreal. I have cried a lot. I love him so much. I want him back. My sister cried a bunch as well. When her boyfriend came home we cuddled a lot in my bed. Silence. Crying. Remembering. Hope. Sadness. Grief. Gratefulness for having known him. Fuck we we're so fucking perfect together. There was just not a single thing in our relationship that I would have wished differently. Not a single thing about him either. He was so perfect. I have felt such deep love. We were so inseparable, and everything would be enjoyable together. Like grocery shopping, cooking, long drives, doing the dishes. I could enjoy every single thing with him. I love love love love love him. It feels like such a loss to not have him in my life anymore. I totally believe in reincarnation and all that stuff. I know we'll be together some day if we wish to. It's just... a whole earth life is a long time to be apart. I feel discouraged as well about my work, working together with him was such a joy, I'm not sure if I'll find my passion back now that my work relationship with my sister ended last week, and with him now as well. Do I have to do it alone? Do I really have to work to be able to have the life I want to have in this world? I normally have this feeling of 'I want to make the world a better place', not so much here now. Just a lot of grief on top of it. I feel happy that I have no regrets at all. I have shown him every little thing of me. I have not hold back in communicating all my desires to him. I have not hold back telling him how much I loved him, multiple times every day. I keep seeing the image of how we parted at the entrance of the airport. He was standing at his car, about 5 meters away from me, I was about to go into the airport. I put my hands on my heart, he did the same and nodded his head as if saying: I know, I feel the same. His love hit me so deep in my heart. I want to be with him. Life without him seems so much less colorful. When I just heard the news I even had the thought that I didn't want to live without him. And at the same time I so much trust. For no reason at all now. I feel really empty handed. My life feels really empty now. Many times the thought 'I accept' came by. And many times 'I don't know why this is like it is, but I trust.' And I will know, someday, maybe not even during this life time, but I will know. I feel even more excited now about my hypnosis sessions coming up. I want to know I we knew each other in our former lives, I want to know if we were soulmates. I want to know if this was really meant to be, or whether this was some kind of cosmic accident, if that even exists. Bashar and Bentinho made a big point out the past being totally changeable. The only thing that exists is the present, and every present reality contains its own past and future, and we shift into different realities all the time, and so we can shift into a reality with a different past than the former reality. Can I even go to a reality where he is still alive? Can I even go back in time, wake up next to him again in Sedona and just stay with him and drive that road together on another day? Changing the past is... I don't think I have even heard Esther and Abraham Hicks talk about that. It's so far out there it seems. I don't even master that manifestation stuff, let alone the past? Although the past should be just as difficult to change as the future, actually. I can wait as well. Wait 80 years to see him again in the Spirit World. There are many possibilities though as well, like visiting him in lucid dream state, or other out of body states. Not that there's anything I still have to tell him or he has to tell me. All the love flowed all the time. But it's just... so fucking weird. It doesn't feel to me like this car accident was meant to be. It seems super random, while we were in the middle of the most beautiful love story of both our lives, and working on a course to help people create more love in their lives too. It seemed like we were on a mission that would serve this world, so why is he taken out of it??? I really want to know whether this was meant to be, did we know this before we incarnated? Did we agree on this shit?? I hope the hypnosis therapy will give me the answers, or some form of contact with him maybe. I want to know if I'm meant to just accept and move on, or learn to manifest crazy stuff like a change of the past. It's the first time in my life that I really feel like I want to change my past. Not that I have any regrets on what I have done, but just... well... I want to change it. I want to be with him. I want to share this Earth life with him. Bentinho says you have to accept what is, but you don't have to tolerate. It really fucks with my mind. It makes me think of the serenity prayer. Jordan used to like that one.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Probably at least 99% of the people reading this will be thinking, right, death is definitely the first one. And... I... don't know. There's a lot of limiting beliefs around. God is unlimited, so limiting beliefs are never the highest truth. It feels strange and complicated to try to accept and figure out if I can create it differently at the same time. I'm tired of it. I took a long hot shower today. I cuddled with my sister and Daan. I'm doing a coconut water fast, I haven't eaten for the whole day. He wanted to do a fast at the same time as me. I did e-mail him yesterday saying I would start and he was welcome to join. He had been dead for two days at that moment. I wasn't waiting for him anymore. Also with the domain name I'm trying to get (LoveUnlimited or BlissUnlimited .com or .org), I wanted his advice but ended up just e-mailing the webmasters to see what I could get. Head ache now. I was sick yesterday. Much better today. Bodily wise at least. Oh my god I have sent him so many beautiful long loving e-mails the last few days... I wish he could have read them. I think now he knows. He's with me in some way. Matt Kahn says that everything is here to help you, and that only love can enter your field. It's a strange gift I got this time. I don't yet know how to unpack it. That serenity prayer is weird. Don't we have to accept everything that is? And aren't we capable of changing anything? At least... that's I think what I'm lead to believe by enlightened people and channeled entities of higher dimensions, and I tend to value what they say highly. Jordan was into Eckhart Tolle a lot, he said he had found his inner source of unconditional happiness. I don't know if I have ever personally known someone who was as peaceful and happy inside as he was. I'll read some more in Tolles book, and meditate, maybe this situation can at least be a catalyst to find my own source of unconditional happiness? I do feel a little bit connected with that, or with unconditional trust, or with some kind of 'I can take whatever comes my way' and with some inner knowing that everything is okay, inner peace. And also... wraaah. Also maybe not. I'll learn. Michael Newton writes that souls who have committed suicide always say that was a mistake, like a missed opportunity. Believing that helps me to at least know that I'll have to go forward. It feels again like I'm in this storm and I don't know what exactly to do, but if I at least cling to my life, rest in my being, stay in my center, or at least survive... the storm will end. Jordan used to say a lot: 'This too shall pass'. Thank you Jordan, for being so wonderful. I'm so glad I at least got to enjoy this time with him.