Baring my soul

There's no other way to put it, my mom died, probably the most important person in my life died, and there was warnings, many, like she saying she wanted to die, not so much suicidal as euthanacic , she was I'll, she had been through many diseases, tuberculosis twice, neck and back and hip and hand surgery, that greatly diminished her mobility, plus, she smoked from the age of 16, daily, at least a pack, which took a toll in her heart that had 5 stents lodged to allow blood flow. Then depression hit, then alcoholism, she battled those two till the very end, which she either foresaw or brought upon.

Many times she said she didn't want to live like that, so crippled, even more so when she had been such an active woman, first a lawyer, then a importer, aggressive when needed but always quick to help.

She was not a feminist, she was a woman, one who didn't hesitate to put my father in jail after he beat her up, albeit just for a couple of days, she was a woman who gained the respect of all the best men in her field. She worked fearlessly to put my sister and me through an education, and by doing that sealing her fate.

If there was one thing she needed was love, a love not one alive could give her, she couldn't lose, losing someone or something, she was 15 or 16 when she lost her love, her father, my grandfather, I never knew him, but through her eyes he was this magical person who could do no wrong, a business genius with impeccable morals, but if you ask my grandmother she would say he was a man with many flaws, been a cheater was one.

She was never wrong, and she couldn't be contradicted, she could disown you one day and declare you the best son ever the next.

Another loss she couldn't cope with was that of my sister becoming a woman, getting married and leaving the house, even moving to another country.

But the biggest loss was that of being a mother, her purpose of being was over, which led her to depression, to neglect a very successful company, to alcoholism, to losing that company to a dishonest partner, eventually recovering from the addiction but never from the loss of her reason to exist, every day was a struggle, until one day she decided she gave up, she gave up on medicine, and on doctors, only taking pain medication to alleviate some simptoms, she was done with life.

Out of the book of cliches, her last night we had an argument, it wasn't even our biggest argument, I said "I don't want you to die, but I can't stop you from giving up" she said "I'm done with your being rude", I left the room, then she texted me, as she always did "come give me some fruit to eat, it's the last night" I ignored it, a bit later she stormed into my room, saw me getting ready to sleep and just said "God bless you" and did a cross sign, she left the room.

The next morning I peeked into her room and saw her sleeping face down by her open laptop, a fan running because she was always hot because of menopause, I saw her move, so I figured she was ok, I left the house.

By noon she hadn't texted me, at all, I started to worry, I went back home, she was in the exact same position I left her, I turned her over, no response, I called 911, already fearing the worst, the police came, then the paramedics, they took one look at her and pronounced her dead.

What follows has no importance, something in me still can't believe she is gone, I don't care for "she is in a better place" or *she is not suffering anymore" she is gone, and I'll miss her.

I was tired of caring for her, I got angry often, but I was ready to do it for many years, and it saddens me most that I couldn't make her happier, that her last days were so troublesome, it angers me the thought of those who contributed to that, it angers me most that I couldn't be the success she wanted me to be. Like I disappointed her and everyone that thinks I'm some kind of saint and genius or wise man, when I'm fact I feel stupid and selfish and like a coward.

I have said good bye, but the hole remains, the sadness lingers, it feels like cheating now, I doubt I can do it in this world without her.

That church in the picture is where her ashes remain.