Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 45

YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44

During one of our trips to Arizona, Quinn met a man who peaked his interest.  

The two of them re-igniting what appeared to me as an ancient brotherhood.  

Making a long story short, we had an old friend watch over the Garden of Eden one summer, while we (and Christian, another of our long-time friends)  joined Quinn’s new/old friend in New England for 5 months to help restore some old buildings and activate a Heartisan’s Vortex!

We worked on his amazing, beautiful buildings that were in much need of some love.  We nestled in to set up an in-house art gallery to bring the community together, to share some of our handmade creations and musical sound.  

Quinn took many trips alone with Peter away from our home base.  Though intending to go away for only a day, they would be gone for many days, sometimes a week or two at a time.  Peter was also quite gregarious and single, and introduced Quinn to his inner circle.  They attended lots of activities and parties together, while Christian and I remained in the small town anticipating their return.

I spent a lot of time writing and drawing in my journal, going with Christian out into the countryside, playing open mic with my Tibetan bowls and his guitar at a local coffee shop, collecting water from the springs, and sitting together on the rooftop in the sun.

Though I loved hanging out with Christian, I didn’t like it when Quinn was away--it was as if a big part of me was missing.   I couldn't blame Peter for taking advantage of having Quinn to himself, though I was less than thrilled that he  took his hot buddy to show around town, so conveniently extended their stay away on every trip.  I also didn’t like that Peter was intentionally introducing Quinn to other women, acting like they were two available single guys out on the town.  HA!  They were a very intriguing powerful duet!  Indeed single too.  But I didn't want to consider Quinn available!

It was hard for me to understand how spending time away with Peter and his random women friends could possibly be more joyous than what Quinn and I shared together.  I kept meditating to find a way to address those fears that were presenting themselves so potently, and attempting to embrace the.super challenge to love them enough to  let them be themselves.

The guys had built a beautiful friendship, and really loved their time together.  Their outings became more frequent, and the challenges I faced with jealousy even more intense.  I wanted them to stop being gone so long so I could quit feeling so badly, and yet I simultaneously knew that their lives were not for me to dictate.  I convinced myself that their flirtations with other women were in spite of me, intentionally giving rise to the unbearable feeling of being jabbed with a hot poker over and over again.  

I was filled with prickly anxiety about it all and I decided it was time for me to at least voice my opinion about it rather than keeping it all inside to myself.  Surely they would be able to acknowledge my concerns, and have empathy for what I was going through.  I had hoped they would reconsider their activities and the way they were going about it, taking note that I was suffering at the expense of their enjoyment of their expanding single-men ways.

Of course I had talked with Quinn about it first, who acknowledged my worries and my insecurities.  He didn’t need me to say anything, as all along he could feel how troubled I was about it, and how it affected me so negatively.  He was just waiting for me to acknowledge it for myself, and take action to find peace with my own existence.   He was there for me, he just wanted me to be empowered to manage my own reality.  He didn’t offer or agree to change his ways, or to be less loving to others because I was needy and afraid myself.  Neither did he rescue me by coddling me or saying things that would calm my fears like “I love you more than ever” or “You don’t have to worry, I come home to your loving arms” or…..any of the other bazillion things that would have made me feel more at ease to hear.  He still didn’t promise to love only me, to love me for any length of time, or to love me more than anyone else, and in fact told me many times that I wasn’t special!!

WTF!!?!  How could he say I wasn’t special?  He was totally special to me and I made that blatantly clear to him in every aspect of our relationship.  I wanted to be special to him--and of course the only one--at least the most important one--and I would have felt way better having known that, or at least having believed that.  He would tell me that I wasn’t more deserving of love than anyone else on the planet, as we are all a part of each other, each unique in our own ways.  I wanted him to just wrap me in his arms so I could feel how much he cared for me, and to let the pressure out of my body I felt would otherwise make me explode!

Quinn would eventually concede to hold me, but would remind me that it was only a bandaid to make me feel better in the moment. He didn’t want to be my IV, or live his life to make up for my insecurities.   I already knew I could not make him responsible for my happiness, and that I alone had to do the work, but no matter how much he was with me, I still wanted more.  The more I wanted him, the more he gave me the opportunity to find that stability within myself.

And opportunity did continue to knock in amplified form with Peter around.   I would like to say that I got brave enough (or incensed enough) to confront the two of them, but the fact is that I actually couldn’t contain all my fears, and they exploded all over the room with the two of them in it.  I told them that I felt they were doing this to me on purpose, and that they were not only inconsiderate, but grossly disrespectful.  I couldn’t hide how irritated I was or how sad I felt as the tears poured down the whole front side of my body.  They simply sat there silently on the couch and watched me, as I sobbed about how they were just doing whatever they wanted no matter how I felt.  I don’t recall now which one replied, but what I heard was “You’re not only been watched, you’re being ‘seen’!”

I was furious as I knew that was the truth!!!  I didn’t want to be watched...especially not to be seen!  The truth about this ugly dysfunction that I had wrapped around me was past the smoldering point.  Sparks were flying.  I was being cremated alive smack dab in the middle of the flesh melting pura-fire!

I jumped nearly out of my skin as my feet landed on the back of the couch and I screamed “STOP IT!!!  STOP IT!!!  I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!  FUCKING STOP IT”  Sooooo much pain!  So much agony!  OMG!  How do I get away from you?  How do I get away from myself?  The flight or fight reaction had kicked in in full force and I was overwhelmed way beyond my breaking point.

HOLY FUCK!!!  I should just be gone and let him do whatever he wants with whomever he wants, whenever he wants.  I don’t need this kind of stress!!  I don’t deserve this kind of treatment and I don’t ever want to feel this way ever again.

I have to run!   I’ll run fast.  I’ll run now!  I’ll hide and I’ll never be seen again!  I hope to god myself won’t follow….or find me!!

I’ve always been someone who has maintained my cool, except for a small handful of times in my lifetime.  I’m not known to say things I don’t mean, even in the heat of things, as I prefer not to make reason to apologize later!   My general go-to is to think before I act, consider possibilities, meditate, and think things through on my own.  

This was one of those handful of times.  Though I didn't say anything I didn't mean, I did do a lot of blaming, and I definitely lost my cool.  Working through this on my own hadn't proven to be effective!  I needed to pull in my grander resources.

I found many years ago that while I was journaling, I would begin putting down my feelings, fears and complaints, and then the words on the paper would turn to solutions and bring forth a whole new spectrum of awareness and solutions I hadn’t seen before.  I knew that I had the answers inside of me to my problems in the past.  I would need to get a really thick journal and start writing a novel.  This was some really deeeep shit!!!

This scenario felt like there were no solutions as I had no control over any of their actions or any of the scenarios unfolding.  But ultimately, I totally knew this was all about me.  Without me, none of this would be happening.  This was my world and I was responsible for everything in it.  It was way easier to blame someone else for being themselves and just be upset, than to take the responsibility for myself, at least it seemed that way at the time.  It was hard to see how I was the issue here, as I couldn't clearly see what I was doing to cause this.  I had to admit, however, that I was definitely the one with the feelings.   For those there was no one to blame but myself.

I had no idea how to truly get away from myself, for no matter where I would go, there I would be, and I didn’t like at all who I was being.   I fucking hated that they could see inside of me the places that I didn’t dare to go myself.   Their witnessing and shining the light on the darkness I once carried secretly within felt like a huge invasion of privacy.  How and where was I to hide? 

I so wanted this man I loved with all my soul to rescue me from myself.  Little did I know that was what he was doing all along!

Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 46

Get in on the series from @saramiller about her own intriguing  personal experience at the @gardenofeden.

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