Challenging Love to Be Unconditional - PART 46

EXPERT BUTTON PUSHER

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Birthday Intermission Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20Intermission No. 2 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30 Intermission No. 3 Part 31 Part 32 Part 33 Part 34 Part 35 Part 36 Part 37 Part 38 Part 39 Part 40 Intermission No. 4 Part 41 Part 42 Part 43 Part 44 Part 45

Quinn once (in the first year or so of our relationship) said to me that he could easily poke me in a lot of tender places.  He said that he didn’t do it because he could or would  be pushing my buttons all the time.  I told him that I definitely didn’t want him to do that as I loved the easy life we had where conflict and strife were actually non-existent.  Even though there were a lot of things about myself that I could improve, I didn’t want to take the accelerated path and be on edge with someone pointing them out to me with constant regularity.  Quinn didn’t have things I felt I had enough awareness to call attention to.  If I felt there was something he should face, I found it was only because I had fears and limitations - it was really an opportunity to rethink things for myself.

I was not in this relationship for any reason but for love, and I wanted that love to look like the love I imagined it to be. 

Though I loved the idea of a relationship based on freedom, actually living it was another story.  It wasn’t really as awesome as it seemed, especially with the conditioning of generations past living inside of me.  I found myself placing my ideas of what a relationship should be on Quinn.  I also found I had been placing my ideas of love on him, and my ideas of  what intimacy is, what it means, and what the outcome of such an encounter would be.

What I thought I knew about love, I assumed meant the same for Quinn.  I thought that about sex too.  I had chosen to have sex with only the men I fell in love with, sex was serious business to me.  If Quinn would have chosen to have sex with another woman, I would have assumed that it too was serious business for him--lifetime partner-type serious.  Not only would I assume he would give it the same meaning as I, I would treat the situation as if my views on things were the universal truth.  It was easy to project and superimpose my ideas, views and weaknesses on him, trying to make my limitations his problem.

Quinn and I acknowledged that others would agree with my conditioned way of thinking, which gave me justification for the way I felt.  Some people would judge our relationship, and especially him for being out of line.  In my smallness I knew I was “right”, and that he was the one who needed to reconsider.  Quinn used to tell me….”Just wait. You will see.  You will get through this and you will thank me.  You will understand one day and you’ll be grateful.  Let it all go Shellie and stand in love.  Simply Love!  You will see!”

I did know one thing.  We both lived by the Golden Rule - “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  So did that mean he would want me to flirt with other men, spend my time with them instead of him regardless if he was here with me or not, tell him he wasn’t special, and let him just be responsible for his own feelings about all of that?

Well, I knew something else too.  That Quinn’s idea of the Golden Rule was not like any other Golden Rule I knew anyone else lived by.  He told me that if I knew what he knew about the infinite realms and the depths of eternal love, and that if he were me, he would want me to do whatever it takes to help him to also know this divine love.  He said he would be begging me to show him everything he needed to overcome, every one of his dysfunctions whether big or small, and to help him find his own way. 

Quinn’s Golden Rule was not actually unlike mine as we both wanted to treat the other as we would want to be treated ourselves.  But, what we actually wanted was the true difference.  I thought I wanted him to be nice, to just be my other half, to live in eternal peace together in  love.  What he wanted was to be as conscious, alive, free, aware, empowered, capable, resilient, strong, living true to his values and all that was important to him in this lifetime--especially to be living in unconditional love.   He lived love, joy, and ease, and was attempting to share with me the magic of his existence.

It was often really hard to see what he was doing as my emotions and feelings got in the way, though there was no question he was the most inspiring person I had ever known, truly lived in honor of his soul’s purpose, and exemplified an unquantifiable love.  I caught many glimpses of what it was he was up to, and every time, no matter the circumstance, I eventually came around to agreeing with him….gratefully finding the place of acknowledgement for what he was sharing.

”Just wait.
You will see.  
You will get through this and you will thank me.  
You will understand one day and you’ll be grateful.  
Let it all go Shellie and stand in love.  
Simply Love!  

You will see!”

Quinn was showing me, not only by living an example of what was possible, but also by pushing my buttons--especially those that were seated deeply.  He knew that these jealousies, fears, and insecurities were holding me back and creating a barrier between me and what I really was here to experience.  I realized that all of that on a deep level was hindering my relationship with him too.  He didn’t rescue me from myself, as he knew that the only real way for me to become empowered was by standing in the pura-fire and ridding myself of all these unwanted restrictions.  He couldn’t (and wouldn’t) do it for me, but would hold space and continue to love me all the while, while I tuned in, dug deep, and did the real work.

Thank you for reading my blog and for going on this journey with me toward Unconditional Love!

Stay Tuned for Part 47

Get in on the series from @saramiller about her own intriguing  personal experience at the @gardenofeden.

Check out the @gardenofeden website too to see how we're doing our part to change the world.