Adapting to Change...

I buried the love of life on March 5, 2018, and I am in the process of learning to live my life without him. It has been a very difficult journey so far because he died in Feb., I buried him in March and seven days after burying him my father went into ICU and it was not looking good...my dad had a tear in his esophagus and had lost a lot of blood and because of his age of 87, the doctors were not optimistic of his recovery. It was a deja vu experience for me, seeing my father in the similar room as my husband, and with the same tubing as my husband. I also had to be there for my stepmom, who was reeling from the mere thought of losing her husband also, so I took her back and forth to the hospital and sat there with her for days. Because my husband had just died, everyone's mind went immediately to the prospect that my father could die also. It was hard for us to have hope, But God! Fortunately my dad has recovered, and is home now still recuperating. I made it through that, which was hard because I had not really had a chance to grieve, but the process ahead of me was even more difficult because my husband's birthday was in April, our anniversary was in May and Father's Day in June. It seemed that every month something was happening and some days it was just unbearable to fathom that so much was coming back to back. Well to make a long story shorter, I made it through that and now my journey is changing...I think that I have been going through some of the stages of grief quickly, but denial has lasted the longest. Some days I still can't believe my husband is gone. Death is so permanent, and sudden death so hard to process. My husband died of a brain bleed. He got up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom and collapsed and died. It was like Thursday I was a wife and Friday I was a widow. Today is the end of June, and I have decided to try harder, even though I have been going to work every day, helping others in my ministry, doing what I love in my photography, and trying to stay uplifted with thoughts of God's love and His Mercy and Grace. Also the best thing that I have going for me is that God showed my husband and I how to love each other. We went through a transformation in our relationship, and we learned so much about how to treat each other, respect each other, care for each other, and find joy with each other and stop taking each other for granted. The love that is in my heart sustains me daily, and I am grateful. I miss my husband physically, but spiritually he is with me. I am loved. So today I will live and adapt and give honor to my husband's life by living mine to the fullest. Today I am loved enough to know that I have no reason to let my hopes and dreams die because I became a widow. Today is the first day of the best of my life. In loving memory of SFC Clayton Evans. 4/3/57-2/24/2018