Love and Money -- a recipe for pure bliss or sheer hell when mixed with your relationship. So why do some couples have an easy time handling money, while others point to it as their biggest bone of contention?
It all comes down to the way we were programmed to relate with money as children. If you come from a different school of money than your partner, this can often create havoc as one or both partners react to each other's inconceivable and annoying money "habits".
So I advise my clients to first look at their own relationship with money before pointing fingers at their partner. This gives each person a frame of reference from which to more clearly see why there is little or maybe even no overlap in their past experiences surrounding money. In sharing their unique frame of reference, partners can then better relate to why they accuse each other of being a hoarder, a spendthrift or totally irresponsible.
Therefore, not only do people have different relationship styles but they have different relationships with money which, of course, exacerbates any issues a couple may already be having on the emotional intimacy side.
Why is money such a powerful trigger? Because in a relationship (as in many other aspects of life) money equals power. This equation (whether you admit it consciously or not) is important to think about when we discuss money and financial issues that arise in a relationship. In fact, anyone would be well advised given the rift this can cause to think about your own relationship with money before making a serious commitment. A lot of divorces could be prevented if people would first vow to explore and discuss what is acceptable to each another before they tie the knot.
Once you understand this piece of the money puzzle, then you can more clearly see what you need to address to create the kind of relationship you really do want with your partner. I am surprised at how many traditional relationships in terms of money I still encounter in my practice. It seems that women in the workforce and even in the corporate sector who are very savvy when it comes to their careers continue to choose (at this point anyway) and assume a more traditional role with money matters inside their relationships.
That said it is important not to be judgmental about how either partner may view money. However, it is important to realize that money in many societies, especially in American society, still equals power. Money has a many different meanings attached to it, and when we think about money from within our relationships, remember it is always attached to how we grew up.
Therefore, it is only natural that given we grew up differently than our partners, we are going to think about money differently. Please be gentle with one another and take that into consideration when resolving your money conflicts. Because financial issues and money habits have a lot of explosives attached to them. In fact, our relationship with money and the outward expression of it in our lives also reflects our self-esteem.
Bottom Line: When reaching a compromise over money issues, go into the discussion also remembering the value you place on your love for each other and your hopes for your future together. This will help diffuse the power money has over us and the distrust that I so often see it cause in relationships. With this in mind, then you will be able to more easily arrive at a solution that respects and acknowledges one another's relationship with and upbringing surrounding money. Full tutorial Click Here-
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Toni Parker, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist and relationship expert for singles as well as couples, and a sought after speaker internationally. From her private practice in Encino, California, she has become a trusted resource for countless couples world-wide (including Hollywood celebrities) for over 22 years. This wealth of experience along with her engaging presentation style has made her an in demand speaker among Fortune 500 companies and special interest groups worldwide. She’s also a certified Gottman Method Couples Therapist and a Member of the Gottman Relationship Clinic. To book Toni for a customized presentation or view her most popular workshops and keynotes visit her website at and hit the "workshops" tab. While you're there, pick up her latest FREE report, 69 Ways to Increase Intimacy.
