I will answer using an example. Someone once approached me for advice with exactly the same question. This is the conversation that took place between us; my recommendations follow. (A permission from her was given to quote the chat. In any case an alias is used):
Orit: Does he want me too but is just afraid to start something?
Me: In general when you feel strongly that you are in love with someone and these feelings are not just a fantasy, then that person is also very much related to you.
Orit: I sent him an email this morning because I wanted to invite him to a dinner I'm organizing in honor of a mutual friend's birthday. And I want him to stay the night with me.
Me: You followed your heart, took action and sent him an email. Has he responded yet? The question is, what do you choose your reality to be about this guy? Do you want a long term relationship? Or will you settle for "sex" (you invited him to sleep)?
You see, that's exactly the point. What we choose at every moment of our lives! If you are looking for sex then I believe you are assertive enough to make such a relationship and do not need my advice. But if you are interested in a loving relationship then maybe I will be more helpful.
Therefore, to continue - be quiet and allow for the reality to develop naturally. Then, make your decisions based on what you feel is best for you. For example, if he tells you that he only wants sex and does not want to commit (while you are interested in a long-term relationship), you should ask yourself if you are willing to settle for less than you want. It's a question of self-esteem, among other things. A question only you can answer to yourself!
Orit: I do not just want sex from him. I want to be a part of his life. He told me this morning that he was not going to come. I've done something before and now I'm the least loved person. I do not know what to do.
Me: Look, when you communicate with another person, especially when there are a lot of emotions involved, you send and receive energy. It's like the radiation you send and receive on your phone. And you know very well that if the radiation is too strong - similar to tanning by the sea - you may burn yourself or the other.
So, right now this guy wants to be left alone. He expressed his wishes well by rejecting your invitation. While he may have done it because of pride and lack of self-love, it does not really matter. If you keep in touch with him he will feel more of that pressing energy and further increase his defenses.
In short - release him. If he's your one then you two will be reunited together at the perfect timing. Along the way and in the meantime he will learn to forgive and you will learn your lessons. You probably know the phrase - if you like someone let them free.
Your challenge will really be to release him. It means stopping thinking about him, stopping the chatter in your head and concentrating on the inner feelings of self-love. By the way, I would suggest that you don't do any wild things to comfort yourself: drinking, drugs, sex ... etc. It will not benefit you. You know what I mean.
Orit: I agree with you. I was just trying to get to him. The invitation was not for a romantic dinner but something general, so he would feel comfortable to come. I want to be his friend right now. That's all I want.
I think I just need to be very light-hearted with Danny (that's the guy's name). Make him laugh again like he used to. It's hard for me to let go. If you have the drug that will make me not feel, I would be happy to take it. I will never give up on him,. I know in my heart that he and I will be together and I think he knows that too. He's just not ready. Every time I give up or at least say I will give up, the universe has a way of making me see how connected we are.
Me: I did not say you should stop feeling! On the contrary, I said you should stop thinking about him all the time and instead choose him consciously and release.
Maybe this simple exercise can help:
- Sit for 5 minutes in a quiet place without interruption, and imagine the reality you want. Now note - this is not a guided meditation or an NLP exercise. What you want is not Danny but what Danny represents to you, meaning a deep and loving relationship, right? So, for 5 minutes just imagine from the heart (not the head) that you have a relationship with deep love. Feel the connection with your heart and body, the chills, the excitement, the joy, the butterflies in your stomach… You know what I'm talking about. Then, at the end of the 5 minutes, release the image in your head and tell yourself that the universe is smart and will provide you with what you have chosen. Trust that this is how it will be.
- Do this exercise once a week and the rest of the time just release it. Do not think of Danny or men at all. How hard can it be? 😉
- Be consistent with this exercise, keep choosing and show confidence in your ability to create what you want. You will be amazed at what the universe will bring you in relation to a relationship. Danny may indeed be your soulmate, but he may not be either. The universe may need to make him grow and see the connection between you two or bring you someone who is much more suitable for you.
- When you continue to insist and demand to accept only Danny and no one else, you limit yourself (and Danny) and may be locked up for many years. You probably do not want that.
- So the key is not to stop feeling but to stop thinking. You think too much because your brain wants to control the situation and you are afraid that as soon as you stop thinking you will lose what you want. And this is quite ironic because right now, you do think a lot and still do not have what you want. Am I not right?
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