Why I'm still Single as a 40 Years' Old Lady

I am an elderly woman from a rural area in northern China. This is my first day to share on Steemit. I don't know the effect, but I have long been looking forward to this opportunity to share the experiences and thoughts of small groups like us.

Many people must think, so many people are not married, not looking bad, must be picky bai! That's what the family used to say, and so did many of the men. Yes, this kind of people will be a little picky, like my rural background, parents farmers, family background is not superior, after finishing university of course do not want to live poor days, after all, poor is afraid!

After I graduated from Hebei Normal University majoring in English, I didn't take a shortcut to become a teacher in the school. Instead, I came to Beijing resolutely with a suitcase pulled by a lever.

In the first few years, my career was very unstable, mainly because I chose a profession that was not suitable for my major -- law firm. An English major could only work as an English secretary in a law firm, and I couldn't do anything else. After all, I hadn't taken a day of law classes. Then it didn't take long for me to realize that law firm work wasn't for me. Out of the main rural areas, you think there are a lot of advantages, such as hard-working, simple, but these advantages in the law firm are not applicable, what the leaders expect from the fresh graduates is basically no other than his ingenuity and speed into the society. I didn't have any of these, because my parents were honest farmers who had never done any work except farming and I had zero experience dealing with people, especially upper-middle-class people like lawyers and bosses in law firms. It wasn't long before I was squeezed out by another secretary with a law degree. The reason was that I spoke ill of my leader behind his back every day, but I really didn't deserve it. Then I thought about it, maybe every time the leader passed by, she would whisper to me, "Actually, the director is a good person..." And so on, which gave the leader the impression that I had always said something bad about him secretly. But I didn't know why she said that to me for no good reason. Later, I was called by the personnel to talk alone about this. Coupled with the serious lack of work experience, that job put me in a deep depression, and finally, I was kindly dismissed by the law firm.

Then I returned to my long-lost but well-suited education. I did a good job as a teacher. However, I was not a fresh graduate any more, no public school would hire me as a formal teacher. Informal status means that you would always be on the outside, and the job would be very unstable. Remember those years I often change jobs, tossing and turning across Beijing. During this period, I had no mood to fall in love with anyone. One reason is that no one is willing to accept my working condition; the second is that even the man was willing to accept my work state, he would also try to pull me back to the small town, because they simply don't have the guts to take root in Beijing. And going back to my hometown means that I won't be able to come back and put down roots in big cities as I wish. Although my job was not very stable, fortunately, I graduated from a good university majoring in English with a professional certificate, it is not difficult to find a job in Beijing. If I came back to my hometown, I could hardly find a formal job due to my parents' social connections. I could either be a tutor at home or change my career to do something else. I would never have any chance to use English again. I love my hometown, but it doesn't make me brave enough to live the way I want to. After all, I have been defined as "a lady with a big door" since Childhood. Such saying that I was an introverted child made me unable to laugh, cry, express, abuse, jump, and dance with ease, because it was not in line with people's portrait of me. In Beijing, I always feel free to live and do things in my own way, which would have been unthinkable for a girl back home in the countryside.

Later, my relatives at home kept contacting me on blind dates, and those who didn't want to stay with me in Beijing didn't even consider it. Once, when I was 27 years old, nearly all my relatives, whom I kept in touch with, came to work for me and asked me to stay in my hometown and get married. But I was still not moved. My heart was harder than iron, and whatever reason you gave me, I would not consent if I did not want to. That time I offended half of my family members. Since then, they started to contact me on blind dates and started to contact people working in Beijing. Only a few people would like to see me. In fact, I was not in high demand. One reason was that my job was not good enough. The other reason was that many people mind my age. There were three or two people who thought I was too tall. In fact, I am only 165cm tall, which is a very standard height in China. And sometimes they could tell from my photo that I was not elegant enough. In a word, the majority of people despised me. My body seems to have taken the evil spirit, which made the blind men just escape from me. Two or three who have pursued me sporadically over the years were not suitable, either without any education or too different in age (most of them were more than ten years older than me); or they were horny and always intended to have sex with me, or they can't speak mandarin clearly, you can't understand and you can't communicate. And some others may find it's so insecure to be with me. They wanted to watch what I was doing 24 hours a day... Later, I also bought two matchmaking services, which cost a lot of money, enough to affect the quality of my life. The dating agency could help you find a lot of people but still can not find the right guy who also loves you. There must be something wrong with me, but to be honest, I really don't have any quirks, apart from cats, cooking, and growing things.

However, in recent years when I was nearly 40 years old, I found that I was more and more accustomed to the state of being single. Especially when I bought a small shabby house in the far suburbs of Beijing when I was 35 years old, I suddenly felt that I could be rooted in Beijing and had the confidence to talk in front of relatives. During this period, there were only one or two short dates, which ended in nothing. I was old, and I don't want to go out at night, and I don't want to devote all the weekend and two days to dating. Moreover, I don't want to move to the home of a strange man I had just met. At the age of 40, I don't want to have a baby or take a baby, and I don't want to step into an unsuitable marriage. Gradually, some of the inherent ideas become less. But my father still has a firm hold on the year by which I shall be married and produce the next generation; otherwise, it would not be the right life. But, I am fast now 40 years old, with multiple uterine flesh tumor, how to give birth to a child? It's almost impossible to find the right person. So, although my father sometimes cried, I want to cry without tears.

Now, I spend more time and energy working and building my own small business, making as much money as I can, faster than my parents can grow old. Recently, I registered for a small company. In my spare time, I deal with translation, foreign affairs service, and writing articles. I can't be ambitious now because I have nothing and have to start completely from scratch. But it's always good to take the step and try to start a dream. After my father knows that, he become very supportive and very concerned about my progress, but how could he know that I was the only person in this company who could not afford to hire employees or pay wages, just for the convenience of account transfer and invoice issuance. But I knew that my father wanted me to get married sooner, either because he wanted me to have a good family, otherwise he would feel great anxiety. However, if the marriage doesn't work for me, then he can be proud if I grow stronger as a tree. Therefore, I want to do a good job seriously. At my age I can no longer rely on anyone, only myself.

So much for sharing, just an essay. I love life, and I love my job as much. It has given me the greatest pleasure of my life. It has also given me the right and self-respect to experience a pleasure.