(Out of the Ashes/FB)
Many of us have had to say goodbye to someone we love.
It was not fun.
It was not something I would love to have done again.
Many years have passed since we have said goodbye to our grandmother.
But the older I get the more things I realise had been left unsaid and incomplete.
Getting engaged and planning the wedding, my mind has drifted of more than once making me realise that I would have liked her, not I would have loved for her to be a part of it.
Things that I have heard from my mother and others that have know her for more than I have, as made me realise this:
I miss her.
Being only 14 and to see her become sicker and sicker made me think that it would be better if she had just passed and become better. (People become their old selves in heaven don't they?)
I sure hope that she is better.
It's been 10 years....
Getting back to the things I have heard...
Once (as the story goes) she had gone to a fortune teller. The question was whether any of her grandchildren made her think more of her mother (whom had died when my grandmother was only 5) And my grandmother answer my name...
I have questions!
Why? What did I do?
I guess thinking about the history that I had with my grandmother and the role she played in my life, it's not very happy actually...
I had not been the favourite.
I had not been the one to receive a call just to find out how things are going. Don't get me wrong, she had been good to me and I loved her... But my brother and I had not been the centre of attention or received the same amount of love my cousins did.
We are told that we were stronger...
We are told we did not need taken care of...
We were alright.
It's suppose to make me feel better about her not being there.
BUT
I don't have many pictures of us together.
This makes me teary...
Memories are not a lot, I was young, sure... But there should have been many more...
And there are a few distinct memories that I have about my grandmother...
- The smell and the feeling of the seats of her brown BMW car (after the red one was stolen)
- The one fight my cousin and I had and my grandmother took her side.
- The last time I spoke to her before the morphine took over... I didn't know it was the last time...
If I had know, I don't think I would have wanted to say goodbye to easily... - Me trying to get her to speak to my during her last days... My mother remembers her squeezing my hand, I don't... So
I guess that doesn't really count as a memory does it? Another question left unasked and unanswered...
She has not met my fiancè In fact none of the stories that he has heard about her can even summarize half of the person she was. I would have loved for him to meet her and to find out if she likes him..
I guess the point I am trying to make is that she is greatly missed and I would give anything to have her be a part of our big day...
I.H.C. You are greatly missed...