Silver lining
I had an uncle that was naturally motivated. One of those people that find the good in all situations no matter how ugly it appears to the rest of us. “There is always a silver lining. All you have to do is look for it” he would say every time someone came crying on his shoulders. Honestly, it used to piss me off. There are times when we feel like delving in the ugly of the situation, silver lining or not.
I remember going home after my first school fight. It was a bout a girl and I was just entering Intermediate school. I had never fought before, not counting my little brother and sisters, and of course, as the big brother I won all those fights. But this one was different. I really got my butt kicked. I’m not sure how my uncle found out about it, but he decided to interrogate me. He wanted to know all the details. Did I like the girl? Of course, I did. Was she in a relationship with the other guy? Maybe. Was he bigger than me? His fists were for sure. Could I acknowledge that it was partly my fault? Not at that moment. I waited for the silver lining, but it didn’t come. Not then.
The next day my uncle met me outside of school. I figured he was there to take revenge on the other kid. I thought it would be embarrassing but if took me off the other guy’s sights then it would be worth the embarrassment. He was not there with those intentions, though. He came to deliver the silver lining. We drove to the center of town and inside a big warehouse we went. Inside there were dozens of kids of all ages punching bags, jumping ropes, fighting in the ring. I was in a boxing club. According to my uncle, the silver lining was finding out that I could not fight and now that every other kid in school knew about it I was a prime target to get picked on.
I was never much of a fighter but at least the word spread out that I was taking boxing classes. School kids knew that I was winning fights, although they didn’t know I was matched with kids younger than I because they had experience and I didn’t. Not a thing that people needed to know.
There were many lessons like this one. I became very close to my uncle and I trusted him blindly. He knew about my lost loves, my first cigarette, about the porn magazine, and about my dreams. I found out about why he didn’t finish school, about his disappointments, and about his bucket list. I never found out about his mental illness and why he decided to take his life. I couldn’t understand why he left me all alone and why he couldn’t confide in me about his demons. I hated that he left me to find the silver lining on my own.
Years passed, and I developed mental illness as well. It was hell at the beginning when you don’t know what is going on in your head. You are afraid to discuss it with anyone for fear of being misunderstood. The stigma against mental illness is subsiding but it still exists. It was in one of those moments when you start considering ending it all that it came to me. The silver lining in my uncle’s death was to learn to confide in people. The silver lining was in learning how to open up, so the demons can’t overcome you. I miss my uncle but as I get better I see his smile telling me that everything is going to be OK.
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