I moved back to Seattle last month. I'd spent the last year buffeting between giving up on humanity, and trusting the wrong people. I moved back hoping to find work as a software engineer - blocking from memory the reasons I left Seattle in 2014.
Yesterday I had a phone interview with a man, a manager, at Microsoft, who barely spoke English - he was rude, mean spirited, a total douche, and, yes, Indian. I don't give a fuck about your ethnicity or background, but it's clear to me that Microsoft is now, mostly, a place where "white male middle aged dudes" need not apply. This is true for many, if not most, of the software shops in Seattle now - and this pathology is spreading everywhere. I guess I could find other work, I suppose that's still a possibility - if I had the money for food. I am staying with a family member that is being as tolerant of my situation as that family member is capable of, and I am being as tolerant of the "the world is so wonderful" bullshit I can stomach from said family member. We had a blowout at dinner last night, so yeah ... this situation has a fast expiring "shelf life".
Today, because I have no resources left and I am hungry, I researched food-banks in the Seattle area - yes, they have them ... no, you can't access them without a current state ID that shows the right zip code on it. I don't have the money for a new ID, my Indiana ID is valid until 2021. So I guess the food bank is off limits to me, until I get the right "papers".
I grew up in WA state, I wore the uniform, as a soldier once. Nobody owes me shit. I simply marvel at the stark contradictions of woolly headed liberalism mixed with a genuine hatred of anyone that doesn't "feel" how wonderful shit is in Seattle. Seattle is an elitist scum-bag dystopia - there's a reason why I left this place after my divorce in 2014. Needless to say, I feel about as welcome in "my home state" as a case of herpes.
This morning, with no money and no means, I began researching the cheapest ways to kill myself.
(suicide is about the only thing left I can afford)
Please don't respond "life is so worth living" - your tax dollars pay to murder strangers in distant lands, to topple governments, to cover up abuses against humanity. Your "utopia" is sick. Even in WA state, where "weed is legal", half the jobs I'm interviewing for drug test - and, frankly, weed is about the only thing that makes this life worth living for me at this point. I don't have money for weed either ... separate, but related topic.
Life now is mostly shit - and, at best, America is an open air prison. Sure, some of the prisoners are well fed, well housed, but that privilege is quid-pro-quo and requires obedience to the narrative. If there is a middle class, it is a tiny, sclerotic, dried out raisin and will only survive long enough to make sure someone is left to turn out the lights. You want to sell me on this shitty world? - boy, do you have a tough row to hoe. (btw: masters degree in history here, so don't tell me how much better things are now ... I actually know that this is total crap)
It turns out 20 feet of extension cord and the bridge on 15th Avenue are probably my best shot.
(second best option is a box cutter to the wrists)
I was going to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. But you said (nicely) that I should shut up so...
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It's ok to talk about "light conditions" - this is a judgment free zone. As long as that goes both ways. Interestingly, I feel much better after posting this and the other thing yesterday ... weird ... I feel better because I could admit that I find this world to be (from my perspective) a worn out, dirty, fungal ridden shoe ... might work for others, no longer really works for me.
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No doubt the world is messed up. I am glad you are feeling better though.
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But it's not as simple as "the world is messed up" - in places like Seattle (reminding me why I left this place in 2014) people act as if things are amazingly fantastic, then stare at their phones as they step over homeless people ... I think, if there is a God, a great chastisement is coming ... and, sadly, God does NOT "sort them out" as that medievel cleric once said.
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Well maybe that's the only option they have got. They can't go around weeping, can they? You might not see people's personal struggles until you get close enough, Dan.
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Truly ... but the level of oblivious ignorance in the face of the horrors committed by our government, by our nation? I suppose I would like them to think about the moms, dads, and kids set on fire by white phosphorous, paid for by their dog-like obedience to the "amazing" system ... it would be nice if they showed concerns for the burning kids too.
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Also ... being willing to look the truth, it its ugly eyes, is not about "weeping" - actually, it's about courage.
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After looking it in its ugly eyes, then what?
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... then, make a choice. If you want to be a participant, then do so ... if you think you can stop it - do that ... if you have kids, train them so one day they might fight where we stopped ... but, as in all things, make a choice ...
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