What's their problem?

I was sitting outside the school having my coffee and early morning smoke one morning when a student of mine came up to me and asked to sit with me. I am quite anti-social in the morning. I like to sit quietly for a good 45 minutes before I spend the whole day talking to people. Teaching is about contact hours more than anything, and I work around 5 hours a day- that's 5 contact hours a day- so I was a bit reluctant to let the student sit with me. However, this particular student was usually quiet in class and seemed shy and a bit sensitive. I had had a good 30 minutes of chilling, so I decided to sit with him and have a short chat before I came up with some random excuse as to why I had to go back in.

This student, let's call him Victor, was from Venezuela. He was only 17 at the time and was ridden with the usual insecurities a teenager has to deal with. He was always very polite in that special way shy students who have come to a very different country tend to be. After the usual banter a teacher always has with students, he looked at me and said, " I don't really like my classmates".

The other students he was talking about were all from Switzerland and all from the same school. Such an environment is naturally going to make that one or two students who are from different countries feel a little bit left out. So I asked him why he felt that way, expecting the usual reply of "They only talk in their language."

He paused and said, "They are rude. They act polite but it feels like it is superficial. They don't really mean it. And they look down on me."

Victor comes from a place where people enjoy being animated. He also comes from a country where things aren't all too prosperous. Venezuela is currently facing a difficult economic and political time, so it is natural for him to feel a little bit intimidated by a group of middle-class children from what is a very wealthy and stable country.

"What makes you say that?" , I asked.
"They sometimes look at me with a funny look. They disapprove of me in some way, and I never understand why. I just don't know what their problem is."

This is not the first time I have heard this from a student. Sometimes, inequality in the world creates perceptions that we have no control over and don't get to really understand unless they are explained to us. So I decided to start off with a little anecdote.

" At one point", I explained, " Tom ( random name for one of the students) put his hand up and asked if he could go to the loo. I don't usually have students put their hand up for that sort of thing. I usually just expect them to indicate to me that they are going to the loo and just give a nod to say that I know. Surprised by this level of politeness I jokingly said no, only to laugh it off straight away and give him permission. What was surprising to me was that Tom took my refusal seriously. He just said 'ok' and sat back in his chair. I explained that I was never going to force a student to hold it in as that is bad for one's health in a way, and also rather unfair. However, all the Swiss students told me that back home that is what happened at school. If the teacher says no, then the student has to wait until the end of the lesson."

After sharing this with Victor I explained that they come from an environment that perhaps has more rules and a more rigid idea of how to behave which is different from where I come from, and different from where he comes from. This might mean that you 'break' certain codes of conduct which are very subtle and almost imperceptible​ to those who don't know them. Being in a class filled with other Swiss friends tends to heighten​ this sense that everyone should behave the same way.

Victor smiled and thought about it for a moment. All he needed to know was that there was nothing wrong with him. Sometimes, when people disapprove of us in some way without us knowing​ why, we struggle to understand what it is we should change and what it is we did wrong. It can drive us crazy. Likewise, when we think someone has done something wrong, we automatically assume that they must know the rule they have broken, and therefore they have chosen to break it. This, in turn, should be met with disapproval in order to keep that person in line and preserve the 'moral' way of behaving and interacting with others.

Often when we are met with something we don't understand, we assume ill-intent and put up defences in order to protect us from the unknown. The unknown has always been scary. We automatically fill it with our greatest fears. Most of the time, those fears are unfounded and all that is needed is an understanding that there is no one way of behaving, and that different people have different ways of showing friendliness​, understanding, and egalitarianism.

This short conversation with Victor seemed to work. That day during the lesson he was a lot more open and interactive. He even voiced his view on something being discussed in class and explained things to the other students. The Swiss students expressed their surprise at some things Victor had to say, and by the end of the week, the class was a lot happier.