On radical acceptance - an op ed

An op-ed is a written prose piece typically published by a newspaper or magazine which expresses the opinion of a named author usually not affiliated with the publication's editorial board.

Yes, I'm aware I'm misusing the term Op-ed. An opinion piece would be much more appropriate. Or an angry rant. That too would do. Any way. I'll kick it off with a few questions: What do you look for in a partner? What do you look for in a friend? Do you love your partner or a friend for who they are or do you keep and try to change them? Do you take folks trashing your friends personally even when you know they, kind of, have a point or do you stick up for them and privately tell them they are assholes?

While mothering on facebook I meet some great, like-minded women. We were all quite different but we had one thing in common: we strived to be better parents then our parents were. We were deeply aware of how not ''just fine'' we turned out and had some great general ideas of what kind of parents we didn't want to be but boy, did we scramble around when it came to what kind of parents we actually wanted to be. And one of those friends had a really tough time with her kid. Nothing she tried seemed to work and she was on a point of breaking. So one day she came across this parenting article that was about radical acceptance of our childrens' persona. This radical approach of pure love and support.
I was brought up in a family of a highly educated politician. My grandfather and my grandmother were highly respected local people, and they were very proper. That was expected from all of us. To be proper on the outside. Because outside validation seemed to be the only thing that counted. It did bring me some nice things like manners (which were not installed in me but rather I knew when they were expected. I was pretty sluggish on my free time) or a nice way of speaking. I knew all the nice, complicated words. But it didn't make me think nice of myself. It didn't save me from being miserable. It didn't make me a better person. On contrary. Forced manners make you kind of two-faced and opportunistic. You behave if it benefits you or out of fear of punishment. And so are most of the adults we interact with daily. They are not nice because they like you but because niceness is expected. They are not likable. They present them selfs in a likable manner. We can find tons of ''10 ways how to make your self more presentable for a job interview'' or ''10 ways how to make him like you'' and I can't help but read a silent ''despite you being an utterly unlikeable piece of crap''. Till this day I have this stupid and unrealistic expectation of myself to be likable. It's dumb. And I'm working on it. I am actually coming to terms with somebody not liking me. But I do get paranoid about likeability at times. It sucks. And I would rather be an unapologetic asshole at times than a miserable people pleaser. Which brings me to my point.
One would think that me, having this self-insights, and experiences and knowing how fucked up it was, I would bring up my kids differently. But now. I'm such a jerkish parent.

First, I want to clear up one thing: accepting a person and accepting bad behavior are not one and the same. People have different characters. Different abilities. Different coping mechanism. I have three kids that share all their ancestries and they could not be more different from one another. They react differently to stress, have different interests, have different physical abilities. Different sensibilities. Different tastes in music, different tastes in food. Different taste in people. I think in parenting, and in life in general, it is essential to different behavior from the person.
I believe there are no bad kids. Just asshole adults. The ones raising them, or the ones judging them. Grown-ups have higher expectations from children then they do from them selfs. I hate it when someone says ''you are bad'' to a kid. It's like when you pass the speed limit the policeman who held you, says ''you are an idiot'' instead of saying ''you broke the rule, that's bad''. If your boss would yell at you about what screwup of a person you are every time you make a mistake you would call it mobbing.
Next thing is the self-control level. I don't know if any of you noticed that kids are not the champions of self-control. They are actually so bad at it that when a grown-up has a meltdown we tell them they are acting ''childish'' which is a problem in and of itself because we use normal behavior of children as an insult. I think I may start naming negative behavior around me according to grown-up people in my life: ''Hey kid, stop acting Tonyish!'' ''Hey kid, that was such a Klarish thing to do. What's wrong with you?'' Considering the quality of grown-ups around me and children around me acting ''like an adult'' should be a derogatory term. Oh and I especially love it when they say ''he's acting like a girl''. That should be a friggin compliment. All of the grown ass men labeled as ''acting like a girl or a baby'' can only dream that their jerky, arrogant, spoiled selfs could be as awesome as your average girl. Or baby. Babies are the best. Expecting of a child to exercise self control at all times (especially if they are in a place they really don't want to be, doing things we made them too, after a bad day at school or feeling tired or hungry) says everything about the grown-up that expects it and nothing about the child or how ''good'' or ''bad '' he is.

If we look what it takes to be labeled ''good'' by 80% of adults, especially ones without kids, is to be invisible. To sit still. To say as little as possible. There is this thing about adults resenting kids that interrupt them. I'm not advocating for teaching kids that interrupting is ok but how many adults actually have a conversation with a kid and take them seriously? We tend to label things kids find important as stupid and uninteresting. And when the child wants to show us something they find to be awesome or great and are excited about we tell them ''No. I won't''. Just like that. And what baffles me the most is that half of us would lose all of our adult friends if we treated them like we treat kids and we would find ourselves insulted by such behavior.

And if the kid doesn't like us and won't talk to us? Oh, the kid is rude. And problematic. I mean, it's definitely not us, right? We should be universally adored and loved by all and every child ever. We're so great. And those kids today...c c c. I am no better. I am actually worse. I have two sets of rules, one for my kids and one for other folks kids. I know, because I may be lots of things but I'm not a self-indulging adult prick that knows nothing about children behavior but goes around sticking labels of ''rude'', ''bad'', ''brat'' and alike to kids they meet. So, I know that behind every child's behavior that we may deem as unacceptable there is an underlying unmet need or boundaries unset. Kids are not inherently bad. Their wors sin actually is that they want to be loved, seen and acknowledged. Or they just want to be kids. Free and wild. Once you start to pay attention to how much time a day you spend micromanaging your children, it's insane. Do this, don't do this, eat this, wear this...and always bitching about their behavior isn't helpful either. So, knowing what I know, because behavioral pedagogy and children psychology, I understand other folks kids, I don't judge them, even silently. But my kids.... Especially when I feel someone else judging them or someone else disrespecting them or being annoyed by them. I'm, of course, not saying everybody should love or even like my kids, but it would be much nicer if such folks would just walk wide circles around us.

There is this very popular word now ''triggered''. I feel kind of triggered when my kids are being judged for being whiny, disobedient, overly emotional. I turn into my grandpa and start to break their will. In my head, I offer emotional support while correcting the behavior, if it even needs to be corrected, but in real life, I just turn stone cold and demand from them to ''calm down'' ''stop crying'' and ''do as I say''. And they do that because they get scared. Is that really my goal? For my kids to be scared? For them to exhibit acceptable behavior to be deemed good by other adults and out of fear or do I want them to act properly because they see it as a right way of acting. This post will ask a lot of questions and not give many answers. It's basically me talking t my self because I only have a few more years till I woke up with a couple of preteens in my home. Do I want them to not communicate with me because of fear? Because I have asshole friends who get annoyed by them so I force them to be someone, my asshole friends would deem acceptable? I love my friends, don't get me wrong I just don't want them around my kids anymore. Because I'm not strong or handy enough to manage my kid's emotional crisis at other folks homes and keeping my inner grandfather out while explaining to my friend why his grown-ass behavior is not acceptable. I'll just do what I do best, keep my self (and my kids) out of situations like this.

I don't like everything my kids do and I don't like them all the time. I don't like some of their quirks, or some of their moves, some expressions or some ways they deal with stuff but I will accept them for who they are. And they are lots of stuff. They are smart, and what I love about them is they are so fun and punny. They are creative. They are very impatient. They talk a lot. Some of them cry a lot and are very sensitive. But they are not universally likable. I know that. They are not. And I don't care anymore. Neither am I and my friends, neither are you. Because to be all things to all people is to be nothing. And I don't want my kids to feel torn between all the people who are impossible to please while feeling empty and not liking themselves first. And if I keep running around correcting them jut to make them socially acceptable the fault's on me.
An again, because many people these days can't see the difference between correcting the bad behavior, gently and with love, and trying to make your kid into an entirely new person. I don't think bad behavior should be tolerated and accepted but many things that are just a display of the child's character and his ''true self'' (that's also a popular one these days) are deemed bad and inappropriate.
So maybe the most important resolution I made this year is to stop hanging out with that kind of people with my kids. And if that means not hanging out with them at all, I'm fine with that because it's fucking exhausting. I mean, nobody is comfortable in those situations. I'm on needles if my kids do this or that how would my friends react and my kid can't behave normally, and by that I mean can't express emotions or make mistakes without annoying others, and my friend is, well annoyed. I even have friends with kids that are like that. Those are the best because their kids better behaved than mine so they get extra judged.
I know you must think I'm raising a bunch of brats by now and that's ok. I can't help that. I just want to do it right, you know. To raise humans who are not spiteful and mean and dickheads towards others. And politeness can be taught by example and modeled as an acceptable behavior per se not because somebody expects or makes you afraid of punishment if you slip. I'd rather them like themselves than everybody else like them. What actually prompted me to go on this rant is a culmination of situations from the last few months. It got me today to lecturing my kid, once again, that she is too sensitive and cries for everything and how wrong that was and she said ''I know, you think sensitive people are stupid.'' Is that really worth a few folks not rolling their eyes around them? No. We can hang out when they turn 18.

End rant.