Happy Birthday To You!

It's my youngest daughter birthday today. I had this idea to write about what's it like to be a 'last time'' parent. There is a huge difference between having a baby for the first time and having a baby for the last time. Once a parent, always a parent but growing out of the baby stage of it all is kind of bittersweet. So I opened a bunch of texts about the last baby topic. Every author was so emotional. At first, I was like why are you sobbing letters here but as I thought about how their experiences relate to my own I grew sadder myself. Add to the equation browsing through her newborn photos and I was done. Emotions got the best of me. I couldn't read the last two blog posts I found because I'd start sobbing myself and write nothing. I just wanted to go to the daycare and snatch her out and hug her forever.

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She was the most unplanned thing ever. She came out of the blue but was very much wanted from as soon as we caught our breath after the initial shock of a positive pregnancy test. And we are adapting ever since. The first two are a perfect duo. They share interests, compliment each other personalities, have the same friends, play the same games, like the same music but the third one...she is totally different. The first two are each a person for herself, there are many differences in addition to the likeness but the youngest is from an entirely different planet. When I was pregnant with her I always envisioned her to be like Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. And she is. She is really weird. And cute. And cuddly. And stubborn. I say she is small as a pea and heavy as lead. She really can be bearly manageable at times. But she is none the less such a joy.

The Last Firsts

The main thing that gets you with your last baby is that all their firsts are your lasts. The last first time you'll hear ''mama'', the last first time they'll fall off the bed, the last first time they scratch their knee, the last first time they dip their feet in the sea. There is such a difference between first from your first and ones from your last. With your first, you are over the moon excited and frightened of each one. The first step, fall, nursing, fever, car ride, back carry...all the milestones can't come soon enough and you want to teach them quantum physics by the age of three. But with your last you are in no rush. You know she'll do everything when she's ready and learn almost all of the things you'd like to teach her by her self in a month or two. I don't know if that is really the case or is it just us and them as kids but my eldest always seemed more mature at any given stage than my youngest. She is always baby like to me. When you have a crying, around-the-clock-nursing newborn the saying'' they grow up so fast'' can seem like such a cliche but you find your self a few years down the road, in the middle of another power struggle driven tantrum when they don't listen and you cant figure them out and you wish you had the tiny, fragrant bundle in your hands. Or when they won't hold your hand down the street and you wish that you could just pop them in a sling and walk around until they fall asleep.

Ovary explosion

We had our first baby fairly young, in our early 20ties. None of our close friends had babies then and we met our parenting friends later on through cloth diaper and babywearing meet-ups. Now our close friends became parents and are making some ridiculously cute babies. Have you seen @dumar022 or @schkure babies? When I get to hold those two lovelies I instantly one another one. All these mushy feelings come boiling up inside me. Let's face it, babies are the best. They smell so nice and they are warm and trusting and infinitely curious. It's always an adventure seeing the world from the perspective of someone who had never seen it before. But then you remember why their lasts maybe the best thing.

The joy of independence

I always thought I'd like the baby phase the best but with my third, I discovered I really dislike it when it's all said and done. Yes, the kicks inside the belly are nice but the rest 99% of being pregnant is a truly horrible experience. The birth was beautiful but the 40 some days after that is a pain in the... Literally. Yes, the cloth diapers are cute and fluffy when you buy them but it's a load to deal with generally. Yes, the breastfeeding is a special bonding experience, but the mastitis, blisters, twitching and twirling of the nipple, biting and pulling the shirt became a bit too much to handle after six years of breastfeeding in a row. Yes, seeing baby discover solid food can be fun but the constant fear of choking I had was so overwhelming. I think it's more about us having so many small kids in such a short time, three in just four years, that made me too exhausted to enjoy the last dependent part of parenting. I found such joy and relief in their ability to take care of themselves. Eating alone, bathing themselves, putting on clothes, sleeping through the night...It's nice to be needed but it's so much nicer to just be, standby mode, there if they need help. I love my friend's kids but it's nice not being the one in charge of the diapers and not being the one waking up to breastfeed. My oldest kid is about to start school in autumn. First grade. I think that realisation makes me even more anxious about kids growing up too fast. Now I want to go, take her out of daycare and squeeze her forever.

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Our newborn photoshoot by @sanjalydia

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They Do Grow Up Too Fast

No matter how you turn it that one is painfully true. So I am in no rush in correcting her few last mispronounced words or giving up cosleeping when she asks for me (even though she is insisting on sleeping in her own bed, alone for the last two nights). I will still pick her up every time she asks me to. And hug her, and kiss her. And you should too. Don't rush anywhere with your kids. The time flys by fast on its own even without our interference. Hold on to them and let them hold on to you. It will be easier for both of you to let go when the time comes.