Terrible Magic Tuesday - 1/23/18

Welcome to the first in a series of weekly posts where I'll highlight some of the WORST cards in the history of magic. They'll run the gamut from universally despised to cards I simply do not like for personal reasons. Hopefully this will give us all some perspective, and make us feel confident in our deckbuilding to know we never, ever, EVER will run these cards.

So without further ado, let's get started.

ONE WITH NOTHING

Starting with one of the most famously bad cards in magic, One with Nothing is infamous for its ability to really do... well nothing...

This card is bad. VERY bad. Sure, there may be some fringe strategies or janky plays where maybe you can make it work, but nearly nothing justifies getting rid of your entire card advantage. The only time I can see this being used is if you have some sort of Sensei's Top effect on field and know for sure that you're going to pull a Living Death or Patriarch's Bidding next turn, but even that is a stretch. If it was all your cards minus one, then maybe it would see some play, allowing you to keep a Reanimate or Living Death in hand, but that's not the wording so it's just plain old bad.

That being said, I run it in my cube as a troll card. The house rules say if you pull it in draft, you MUST pick it no matter what and run black to play it. So to the best of my knowledge it's really only good for pissing off anyone playing my cube :)

GALLOWS AT WILLOW HILL

While not as famously bad as One With Nothing, Gallows at Willow Hill is infamously unplayable in one of my playgroups. Back when I played standard I remember pulling a playset of these and trying to wrap my mind around a way to make it work, but soon found my actions for naught, as this card is so terrible it's only use is either a coaster or a bookmark.

Three colorless to kill any creature is not the worst per se, but the condition that you have to tap Gallows AND three humans AND it gives your opponent a flier is what puts this card in the "trash" category. You're likely tapping your field to kill a creature, which means you're not attacking and getting any damage in, and the restriction that they have to be human really limits the card's playability. If Gallows read "tap three creatures" instead, then it might not be bad enough to make this list, but who out there is running "human tribal" decks that doesn't have access to other, good removal spells?

Exactly.

REPEATING BARRAGE

I opened this at prerelease and actually scoffed out loud upon reading it. Not only is this thing a three mana SORCERY SPEED lightning bolt, it also has not one, but TWO red in its color identity. So it's not really splashable, and it doesn't accomplish anything in Standard that Abrade or Fatal Push can't do (unless you're trying to hit your opponent for three damage on your turn, which at 1RR I don't know why you're doing that in the first place).

The card's second Raid ability is crazy expensive at five mana, and as all Raid abilities require you to, you must attack with a creature. So that's a whooping eight mana and an attacking creature to deal three damage and return the card to your hand. Who out there thinks that's worth it? This card is garbage, no matter how you spin it.

SIMIC SKY SWALLOWER

Ok, I'll be the first to admit this isn't a BAD card, at least compared to the others so far. A 6/6 flying, trample, shroud for 7 mana is at least considered playable for newbies, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't LOATHE this card.

Why? Three reasons.

1. It's boring.
2. I'll never play it.
3. It's been printed multiple times and doesn't show any sign of slowing down.

Simic Sky Swallower is Wizards' cop-out card. Anytime they need to fill a rare slot in a set with something to keep the value of the packs even, they print this nonsense. Or, at least they've done it in the last two Masters sets. Sure, it has cool keywords, but there are better bodies you can get for 7 mana that have actual utility, whereas this is as close to a vanilla rare as Wizards feels comfortable making, and it really doesn't do much. It's a big guy, but it takes up a rare slot in each set it's printed in, when instead they could use to at least print something that's fringe playable. For example, Modern Masters 2017 was stacked with great cards, but also had rares with low value that MIGHT actually see play in one deck or another (example: Hellrider), yet instead of throwing another quarter rare that someone might use, they throw this boring hunk of cardboard in that no one will use. It's a waste of a rare, and the fact that it's been printed in both Iconic AND Modern Masters 2017 is a great big kick in the privates to any and all magic players who at least want to play with interesting cards.

Simic Sky Swallower is filler, and always will be. If it continues to be printed at the rate it has been though, we aren't going to see the end of it anytime soon. This was the only card I opened in my box of Modern Masters 2017 that I literally threw across the room in frustration. Simic Sky Swallower, please go away.

So what do you think? Are any of these cards actually playable, or am I overreacting? Do you have any cards that you absolutely detest? Feel free to comment below and let me know! And be sure to follow for future posts!

Your local Timmy,

Jerseyscribe