My Secret Life Story

It was very hard growing up, because I had to hide a secret. A secret that only a selected few known for three decades, nor do I wish to tell anyone else, but I feel like that I should tell someone for my sanity. It was in the early 80's when I was born. I was three month premature second born twin. In order to save my life I was given a blood transfusion. It was for years later until the symptoms piled up and my mother took me into the hospital and the doctors conducted there test and research. They tested everyone and everyone came back negative except me. I was given tainted blood that had HIV and HEP C.
I was five years old when I was pulled aside after dinner for a talk my parents wanted to have with me. It was a discussion about my new illness that I had and the recent outcome of a young person named Ryan white. My parents didn't want what happen him happen to me. so they talked to me and told me I shouldn't tell anyone if I wanted to have any friends. So from that day on I never told anyone my secret.
I don't know where I should go from here so I take you one of my earliest memories as a child. A day I probably relived a millions of time over and over, where the doctors held me down as I screamed and struggled just so they can get my blood.
I remember my very first medication it was called AZT. it was a liquid form of medication taken four times a day. I would have to waken up every night at 2am just so I can take meds. I remember my feet's feeling like they was burning on fire, my body being warmer then everyone else, my skin tender and cover in rashes which felt like bugs crawling all over me.
Sometimes I wished my teachers knew my secret so they take it easy on me but then that wouldn't be fair to me cause I just wanted to be normal. Afterschool was no joke cause it was a hustle to get to the doctors a few times a week.
One day I was sick and had an ear infection and wanted some relief. so with a wooden q tip with most the cotton pulled off I started poking around to much and punctured my ear drum leaving me half deaf.
I got to make a wish at the make a wish foundation to get my first computer. I did what all boys do when they get a computer. Play computer games, try and do homework, and download playboy pictures that took all day to get one picture.
I wanted to have a relationship when I was young but how do you tell someone. So I went online in the early 90's and did as much research but all I found was stereotype. Where was boy to go to find a female to chat with about Hiv. there were no girls that I could of talked to. It was hard cause I felt like was alone. there was no one I could love and no one that could love me.
I was stop taking the medication cause there was no love for me. I couldn't deal with this secret. I wanted to love but how do I tell you my secret. My heart aches and it gets harder to breathe and tear form in my eyes as I ponder has people really changed after four decades of stereotypes.
Even my family treated me different my mother told me. My cousins wouldn't play with me and I felt like there were more scared of me. My utensils and plates were specially treated with bleach. So how do I tell a secret. That's why I don't talk to my dad's side of the family.
How can I tell you my secret. I stay silent as see you smile with your friends. How do I go up to you I think to myself. It's really hard to speak so I walk away because that is easier then seeing your reaction.
I wanted to go to the army but they don't allow people with HIV.
It's been five years and my body is wasting. But I wanted to live because maybe there something more later. I have 12 t-cells and 60k virus level and that's when I found out I had Hepatitis C and my liver is at stage 4 of 4 liver cirrhosis.
It took a while to get used to being lonely but I finally did it. I will just live for myself and live the life the best I can by myself.
I did it and I got better for the second time from almost nothing. I went back to college for a bit. I got a job. I started getting better and then I got fever. This fever was like no fever I ever experience. I would take Nyquil and I wouldn't get better for two weeks. Burkitts lymphoma. I was on my deathbed again. I remember a painful blur and my willpower to not to give up. once i was done with that I Immediately started on a Hepatitis C treatment which is like a half a cancer treatment but I failed that a few months later.
It was about month after that I started to working. My hair just start coming back in with a peach fuzz cause that Hep C treatment was that strong it took my hair. It didn't take to me to long to give up and just go back to school. Until I found a many jobs that was more suitable for my physical needs. opening my eyes to my future.
I started on one my many clinical trials. this one is experiment where they extract my stem cells and genetically modify my cells to block, resist, and hinder the virus. it's been two years now but I'm not cured. I however do feel that I have a better control of the virus. taking one dose of medication a day in a calendar daily pack that I can carry on me at all times.
How bad do you want to live. How bad do you want it. What will you do to get it. now don't sit here and do something.