The one thing standing between you and them in the relationship with a narcissist, is this..
Picture this.. you have been with your person for 1.5 years. This person is funny, sweet, a bit boastful and charming, and all of the people you meet along the way tell you how lucky you must be to have such an amazing outgoing partner.
However behind closed doors, for you the relationship is beginning to get a little bit exhausting. Also, you are starting to feel as if you are no longer important in the relationship, because when it’s all about them — it’s not about you.
You start to notice the little things, like how your person is interacting with your friends. However perhaps your bestie made a comment about their attire, and now you’ve noticed that your person is getting a bit too close for your liking to your friend. A kiss on the cheek close to the lips to a friend who they normally wouldn’t interact with, starts to spark a little jealousy in you.
And then there’s the admiration.
Undoubtedly, the most toxic trait for a narcissist.
That constant and incessant need for being adored by others. When you were first dating it was cute, and it was great that people would make nice comments about your partner. But now, it’s like they hunger for it. Have they always been like this? (you ask yourself)
It’s amazing how their constant need for admiration plays out in all in their relationships. With their family, friends and even colleagues. If this person is in fact a narcissist, then under all the confidence that they display — is a vulnerable, insecure human being who regardless of all the attention and admiration, will never feel good enough.
Then what happens is that you start to become narcissist aware, and whilst they have been knocking over their dominoes — your Jenga tower that you built will come crashing down.
You start to see your relationship with the narcissist from a new perspective, the one where the narcissist is thriving on the attention of others. Watch how they manipulate the room, telling everyone about their accomplishments and speaking on subjects that they feel highly knowledgeable in. Watch how you try to interact with others, while the narcissist is around — and how a smile from them to others will quickly turn to one of irritation as if you are bothering them during their conversation.
The feeling (or high) they are chasing from the adoration, it’s not going to last. They are looking to raise their self esteem and fast.. even just for a moment. As they chase that feeling of being good enough, they begin to wreak havoc all around them knocking over one domino after another until there are none left.
In my exploration of narcissistic abuse, I’ve come to realize that this toxic trait isn’t just about the narcissist’s ego, it’s a cycle of manipulation and emotional turmoil. Romantic relationships become this roller-coaster of highs and lows, with the narcissist demanding constant validation, only to discard others when they no longer serve their need for admiration.
I have seen this in some instances where the narcissist is chasing the validation of being a “good friend to others”, wanting to feel needed and wanted. They go above and beyond to help a complete stranger, but in the process discard those who are close to them such as family and friends. As soon as they feel needed, wanted and adored — they discard those who were providing the narcissist with validation.
“You know, Cathy needs my help right now. She needs me.” He might say to her.
“But what about me, I need you here with me and the kids.” She says.
“You’re always so selfish like that,” he’ll respond “only thinking of yourself. You know Cathy has no one. ”
“But you’ve been there 3 times this week already, do you have to go over there?” She says
“This is not open to discussion. I’ll be home sometime later tonight.” He says.
Good old narcissist discard.
You were the most important person in the world to them, or so you thought. Now someone else has come in, someone new perhaps and a little naive, and watch how the narcissist runs to provide them attention or help. You, who?
From my experience in Narcissistic Abuse, the most toxic trait that isn’t spoken enough about for a narcissist, is the unending thirst for admiration.
Could the need for admiration be the most toxic narcissist trait?