You Don't Own Me

I have noticed, as I am quite certain we all have, that there is a distinct odour of "ownership" within relationships, even pseudo relationships.

What kind of witchery conditioning is this? When did it begin and why in this modern, ever growing "aware" society does it even exist? I am not even going to analyse it, just be aware and conscious of it.

I met a man online, we had mutual friends and had actually crossed paths a few times in our travels. He moved to a different country to be with me and we had a rather long relationship. He said he loved me, he said it all the time but it came with conditions. It seems that when another person says "I love you", this is a green light, a green light to let go of their opinion of you, at you.

"I don't like that dress you're wearing" - My response, "Good thing you're not wearing it"

"You are such a bitch!" - My response, "Why, because I have an opinion that does not agree with yours?"

"I like women with mullets(hairstyle), you should get one" First off WTF??!! The only response to that was to get a blowup doll with a mullet wig.

" I don't like your black nail polish" - My response "My hands, my nails"

"You are so judgmental" - My response "And you are not judging me with that statement?"

"I left everything to be with you!" - My response "I didn't ask you to".

The list is very long.

It was always about what that person did not like, and it seems it is easier to hurl negatives at someone than positives. This is not a situation to grow in, healthy relationships should be supportive not destructive. At the point that I snapped because there is only so much I can tolerate, suddenly I got told all the the positives, by which time it was too late. I had already broken the ties that bound me, taken away his keys, the keys he believed locked me up and held me in a place of fear and rejection. The constant underestimation of my strength and intellect were no doubt his downfall. For all his education and intelligence he saw nothing amiss with this behaviour. It was a sad situation, I knew his background and he could even admit to why he treated me in this way, but was not willing to do something about it, I felt was a weak excuse. Words with no actions are purely words, when there is an action to change, to acknowledge rather than intellectualise why we behave the way we do, we become stronger. We become more aware of why and how we react. If our minds were like gardens, we sometimes have to prune the trees, to allow the sun in, to let the flowers grow, and then continue to weed that garden until all that is left is a luscious, colourful bounty of beauty.

I left because of all the things he disliked about me, I left because he tried to break me down, supposedly to become a better person?! In his perception I was broken and flawed, now all he has is memories of all that was wonderful. We do not own people, they are not ours to change, to mould and fit into our perfect perspective boxes. If we love someone, we should love them for all their flaws too, that is what makes them the person we love, isn't it? Unless the flaws are too great and we cannot tolerate it, we can choose to walk away. I forgave, I still am forgiving and I have learnt and am still learning.

"The greatest gift you are ever going to give someone - the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough. " - Hannah Brencher

Art: Weroni @deviantart