Dear Aisha, My Journey Through Grief

Dear Aisha,
It has been a year since you took your last breath and left all earthly pursuits behind. A year since you entered Jannah. Is it as beautiful as you imagined? I heard once you die, all secrets become open to you and you become wiser.. Is it true? I find myself wondering what secrets you now know? I hope you are happy with the secrets you now know. Hope none breaks your heart? Try whispering some of these secrets to me na... :(
I still smell you sometimes, you know. That musky feminine smell. Loool. I loved it. I always knew when you were around. I will do anything to smell it again.
I am sorry I am not in touch with your family as much as you wanted. My heart can't take it. Not yet. Please.
I am sorry about Mosconcept too. I am sorry I left and even sorrier I cant continue it for you baby girl. I see updates on the social media handles though. At first I was alarmed but then it dawned on me that you made a plan to keep it alive. Your passion lives on. I am so proud of you for that. You knew my emotional limit.
I am sorry you didnt get that car. I am so sorry. I am happy you were in love in your last days though. That knowledge was my only consolation after you left. I kept repeating to myself, "Aisha was happy. She found love. She was happy."

In the last one year I have grown and I hope you are proud of me. I am still a judgemental self righteous bitch but not as much anymore... Lool. Seriously, I am kinder to people's mistakes and life's choices now... Still side eyeing internet fraudsters and side chics sha 😐
Oh yessss, my style is getting lit too!!! Would you believe it? I now apply makeup. Like full range o. Contour, eyebrow filler, primers and all. Issa miracle 😂
I now wear bolder colours and outfits too. You would be so proud. Benin is good for me. I am more relaxed. At least your death taught me that, life is not guaranteed. Sigh. You were right by the way: live without boundaries because when you die, people will cry but will eventually move on albeit difficult. Imagine my shock when the alarm still rang the next day, the sun still shone, my neighbours were gisting while I grappled with losing my best friend. Life was indeed moving on. Imagine my shock at myself the first day I didnt cry since you died. I was angry at my acceptance of your death. I felt betrayed by my ability to also move on. Sigh. It is still hard though. Really very hard but it gets easier each day. I miss you so much but I have made peace with the knowledge that it will get less intense each year. So I heard at least.
I have also learnt about grief and death and that in my life, I will experience grief at varying degress but grief nonetheless every couple of years in my lifetime but hopefully never get to experience the one your mum did on the 10th of March 2017. It is a life of grieving till we take our last breath and be grieved as well.
I will live while I can, I promise.
By the way, your mum is going through a lot right now so do send her a warm hug from up there as often as you can.
This letter is turning out to be longer than I planned so I will stop here and go back to living without my Ashake. Continue to rest in power honey. Lots of kisses