I don't like having to organize shit for other readers so im just going to write to my self now because in the end I have a bunch to say and i am always worried about forming sentences and grammar and stupid bull shit what i really need is a pen pal, this will be me, i will be my own pen pal and allow my self only what I know, is that who I am> I am a man, a computer man.
But as i write i realize that i really might want to invest in a new key board for typing with.My main concern about amassing so much media is the review and editing of such media, writing especially when looking at the piles of shit i have written i know i will never get a chance to read it all, which is why i actually try to not write as much because i don't want to have to schedule myself for review because some of the stuff i write is really good and some of the stuff i know is really interesting and i don't want it to get lost before maybe someone gets a chance to interact with it. But my life is too confusing to say and too confusing to talk about, to have evidence of my thoughts also brings about worry. This world is at war with thoughts and can and will attack people that have a difference of opinion from its norm solely for being just that.
Because of this I have to eat and calm myself every morning before i go out. I have to mentally situate myself every time i go somewhere. I usually have only a moments notice but now as i continue the job which is my life, it becomes one repetitive pattern of patternless waiting observing questioning and wondering. I continually have to tell myself to calm down and that not everything I am hearing is true but all of it is communicating with me in its own way, even when it is hardly even there.
To put a face on each of the communicators was more the goal than to decipher the message. What good is a message if it comes from something you don't understand/ That does not have the validity of a message from that of rational circumstance. A message is perceivable, truth is subjective but outcome may be certain thus making a message from a source of similar conscience important.
No i am not trying to sound smart only trying to describe the shit i think. Which is funny. I think i may have surpassed a place where words can adequately describe my thoughts, Or maybe my words have not gotten to a place where they have the strength to adequately describe the truth. Or maybe i just need to keep writing and the thought is just too big to put in to one page. Maybe talking like this is the only way I will ever figure anything out. Well today I will go to josdfhijh to attempt to resolve a money issue that has haunted me deeply for years but now has gotten to a paint where it has trapped me in a slow trickle of painful dependent a pitiful installments to be used in small increments as to not shift the weight of the power of this money to the people outside of their stupid un listening ears.
How much is a page... well on google, the page goes down.... for infinity? No probably not for infinity but definitely for longer than i can understand. I could write withwords or thoughts but what will be recorded is my thoughts and my actions together with what i present to be perceived and recorded by others. My brain is on overdrive!!!!! My life is on over drive. I end up fucking up relationships. But i have only like five relationships. They have insane technology Stuff that makes you think your so stupid for ever thinking it was amazing, but it is amazing non the less just like it is amazing to know that the final trick it self is going to be amazing for everyone. Like Did i pretend to do all that shit just to do this or was that just my basic instinct for survival in what you all thought was a fire drill. Oh the friends you make.