That old feeling of depression set in and while it had always been part of my make up, this round abandonment by her made this bout particularly heavy. I had always known I was into this fight alone and this meeting made it exceptionally clear.
Getting back to the house just passed nine pm, I rushed in directly to the spare bedroom, while setting all contents from Grace to the floor next to me.
While reaching out to turn on the overhead light, I could already sense the presence of “The Reminder” in the room, and for the first time since being in the house, I knew I welcomed it. With the room now in full illumination, I stepped forward and without hesitation, embraced and removed her from the wall. Lowering the imprisoned eyes to the floor, I stared deep yet calmly into the eyes that also ached for release.
Like being trapped within a spider’s web, I was instantly held at the mercy of her and suddenly captive again. Held together within a space of mutual frozen depravity, she reached deep within me enabling her deceptive warmth to engulfed then coldly spin me around and around within her fine web of love. Further drowning within her hypnotic gaze while grabbing at the lifelike figure, I pulled her closer and now wanted to witness the visions, visions not of fear, but visions of understanding why she had decided to come back now.
With a tightening jaw and an elevated breath, the vertigo began its act of pulling me around and in. Wondering thoughts of fear merged down into the mire of red and black. Ferocious contorting and churning of the lifeless to lifelike forms tore at each other bringing any sense of equilibrium into a final tailspin.
Within all the visual chaos, garbled voices filled with rage spewed out and merged into battle within the wicked columns of clay like figures. Among the anguish, and fear, and hate, I refused to give refuge and instead imprisoned my eyes to look further on as the scene suddenly culminated with an explosion cracking loudly accompanied by a fierce flash of a bright white flare.
With the subdued calming silence that followed, I extended all intentions outward and grabbed towards her red frozen face of agony. My calling to the eyes without life, my reaching out towards that familiar face, my inability to be held close again within her beautiful embrace, had me instead, recoiling into that safe space of total retreat.
A dark calming stillness enshrouded me. I could hear myself breathing and I still could see her. She lay motionless and without breathe. Staring…
Suddenly, the sound of breaking glass jarred me out from my hiding place. Then came his hollering and I knew Frank was in trouble. Bolting through the doorway, I pushed down the dark hall, and up through the short corridor that led to Franks kitchen. Grabbing at the handle, I turned and pressed at the door while Frank’s voice bellowed in distress.
“Leave this house, you are not welcomed here”.
Slamming my fist to the door, I ordered Frank to open up but he remained mired within all the chaos going on behind the locked in walls. Rushing to the outside of the house, I scaled the steps and pushed on the front door and found that it too played barrier to what was going inside. Leaning my body over the rail and pressing my face up against the window, I peered in to the darkness attempting to discover how many intruders were within the confines of his home. Within seconds, the dark domain suddenly became illuminated and there in the middle of the room was Frank, frozen in fear with eyes of worry peering to the heavens.
I continued to look in as moments passed and still no sign of any other persons became evident. Studying Frank closely, he still remained in a poised position, as if ready to fend off the intruder, but finally relaxed down and slumped to the floor in exhaustion. Staring for a time longer, I felt confused and very tired for the both of us.
Backing away slowly, I too felt drained and moved myself down and into the swing. Kicking off the exposed root of the tree, I began to sway gently while the faint but familiar wining sound of the tree swing filled the night time air. Behind me, the opening and closing of Frank’s front door had me expecting that he might join me at any moment. Within a short time, I was certain he thought other wise and so I was left alone to ride seemingly and endlessly without effort.
“You have played all roles in both dark and light. Darkness desires liberation with the light. Make it is not your enemy, but your teacher”.
Lying stationary, I soaked in for a few moments the new information passed on. I found myself thanking the unknown source for aiding me in my time of searching. Like an unearthing of an ancient artifact, the emotional mysteries contained within my being were just now beginning to surface, seemingly with and without consent.
At midday I arrived back at the house with both hands full of groceries. Frank was milling about in his dirt stained gardening cloths. In his gloved hands he was carrying a shovel and a bag with some flower trimmings protruding from its open end. Acknowledging my presence, he stopped what he was doing for a moment and passed on a smile and wave.
“Someone is busy cooking up a supper tonight”?
Stepping close, I could see several bandages covering portions of both arms where his work shirt was rolled up. Beads of sweat trickled down over his tired face as he stood steadying his breath.
“Frank, I am having a friend over tonight for some food and we will be watching the ball game, your welcomed to join if you would like”?
Smiling with a pure look of gratitude, Frank stood for a moment and seemed speechless at the offer.
“Why that’s mighty nice of you Peter. I would love to join you both”.
It was six pm sharp when Tom arrived at the door. Helping himself in, Tom casually laid a bottle of Marlow over his arm while his eye brows pitched upwards in an expression looking for approval. Stepping into the kitchen, I helped him to the glasses and wine opener where he proceeded to pour each of us a glass.
“Cheers to a job well done at work. Your being known around the work place as the man that can. Speaking of which, a Miss Sharon seemed taken by your heroics”.
Fending off any attempt of self-focus, I quickly shot down any notion of achievement made by the particular incident.
“Oh, real heroic move lying on the floor helpless on my back”.
Conceding with a look of indifference, Tom circled within the kitchen while taking another taste of wine before descending onto the readying food.
“Well, which ever way you want to look at it, but may say that was the most excitement the place has seen since its opening. Wow, and you do indeed know how to cook”.
Dipping a spoon into the stove top saucepan, Tom delicately touched the contents within his mouth followed by another small sip of wine. Appearing suddenly, Frank stepped down and through the hallway door that separated both dwellings. A quick introduction was made before proceeding out into the living room, were Tom and Frank continued to acquaint themselves with one another.
With in the lapse of the next few hours all plates were cleared of any sign of food while the wine bottle was close to empty. Frank and I sat back in seemingly mutual indifference towards the game while Tom remained perched with his elbows parked on his knees concentrating on a particular play that was in progress.
Aside from the announcer and the occasional muffled sound of the game crowd, the only other sounds were that of Tom who would occasionally spark to life and reel off stats of particular players and how the teams at play had been doing though the season. And then there was Frank who for the most part, remained fast asleep in the rocker, snoring loudly. Giving him a nudge from time to time, he would come to and take notice of the game for a moment before falling back into his nap.
As the inning came to an end and the teams transitioned on and off the field, Tom realigned his focus and looked on to Frank who was sleeping soundly.
“Old guy had one to many drinks”.
Reaching down, I removed the empty glass from Franks lap. His breathing briefly softened as he almost came around again. Stepping to the kitchen, I finished placing the dishes in the sink when I heard a loud voice break the silence.
Peaking quickly through the door, I looked on to see Tom who sat with a surprised expression watching as Frank’s head was flipping side to side.
Now joining Tom, we both watched on in curiosity as Franks quivering lips escaped an occasional slur of words from his mouth. Suddenly his spastic motions turned much more violent and with it his voice more erratic.
“Idinwa, idenwa…yok, yok”.
Stepping close, I knelt down watching and listening and observing. Tom also watched on with interest but had no clue as to the extent of the ongoing insanity that was occurring within the house.
Moving into heavier throws from left to right, I backed away for a moment then decided I had seen enough. With both hands I grabbed at his broad shoulders in attempt to stabilize him. Though seemingly unconscious, he wielded the power of two men and almost sent me to the floor with his final out burst.
“You Killed”.
Franks eyes raged up and out at me but then within an instant he was settling back into the safety of his chair and looking disorientated. Stepping back, both Tom and I looked onto Frank who was still breathing hard.
“Oh I must have dozed off. Sorry about that fellas, is everything o.k.”?
Waving off the shock of the moment, I nodded slightly before turning away and returned back to the kitchen. Tom followed with his hands full, helping with the clean up and playing dismissive of the incident. Soon to follow was Frank, who was busy digging into pocket.
“I found a set of your keys out on the lawn today. I forgot to return them earlier to you”.
Smiling awkwardly, I thanked him and stood for a moment in idle silence staring blankly at the keys in hand. My mind fell to quick suspicions but thoughts were broken as Tom moved from the kitchen and said a goodnight before heading out.
Arriving at Grace’s funeral, I was immediately taken aback by the amount of people who showed up for the outside service. I felt out of place for the simple reason that while I was Gracie’s only surviving relative; I also seemed to know her the least of those in attendance.
Standing out on the open grassy field, a warm breeze accompanied a clear evening sky that relinquished the fading yellow light of the sinking sun. Shadows of those gathered fell upon Gracie’s closed casket, which was adorned with a mountain of flowers. Next to it stood a tall single white candle burning with an almost motionless flame.
With the days warmth abating and all words spoken, only sounds of weeping filling the heavy evening air as the casket was lowered into the earth. John’s wife Paula grabbed at my hand and squeezed while waving bye to her friend.
The following half hour was spent receiving condolences from people I had never met nor would probably ever meet again. The fact that I had known so little of this lady became my reason for mourning the passing of her. The final person to approach me was Paula. Dressed in black, her flush face was now free of tears. She embraced me then leaned back just leaving a small distance between the two of us.
“Peter, Grace wanted me to tell you that she loved you very much. You may have not known this but Grace was ill for some time and towards the end she could hardly walk let alone talk. She lived with a lot of internal pain with the losses and all, but she was also one who gave of herself tremendously”.
Looking away for a brief moment, she gathered herself and then looked deep into my eyes again.
“She insisted time and again to let you know of her love for you and she also said that the answers you are looking for, you will find soon. She said be strong and be careful”.
Stepping back, John then joined in by her side.
“Well it was wonderful to finally have met you Peter. Maybe we will meet again sometime”.
Stepping away, they turned and followed the procession out to the parking lot where the glow of automobile headlights filtered out in single file onto the main street. Turning back to where Grace was laid to rest, I felt that I had something to say but all that remained was sorrow. Then the final words that Paula said began to go around in my head. It was evident that Grace had left with sure promise and that all I was seeking was soon to somehow be revealed.
Back at the clinic and against the wishes of Tom and all other colleagues, I insisted that my private time with Mr. T was to continue. Our meetings were moved into a closed room, situated in the company of one full-time security guard. The space had more of a feel of an interrogation room then one for therapy. But while I was certain that it might take time to get to him again, I knew it would happen.
Placing my note pad on the empty table, I was again seated just off to one side but across from Mr. T. He sat motionless looking blankly into the corner of the room.
“Hi Robert, and how are we today?”
As if waking from a slumber he re-positioned himself to face me while bringing his bound hands to the top of the table. The heavyset guard stepped in close but backed away when it was obvious that the motion was with out malice.
“The question ought to be, how are you Peter”?
Surprised by his aggressive approach, I tried to remain in control though I knew he could see right through my soft shell.
“I’m doing O.K.…”
“Are you sure? Because from where I am sitting, I see a broken soul, one that’s been left out alone to fend for his own understanding of his shattered self”.
Leaning low over the table and dragging his long mange of hair over the top of it, his eyes of stone pierced deep. Taking his left hand he touched lightly, pressing through his facial hair to a point on his neck and began to smile.
“Your pulse is racing Peter; don’t be afraid, you and me are going to become very good friends”.
Leaning back his smile fell from his face as he settled into his original position. Glancing up for a moment, he caught the eyes of the guard and barked out an order.
“That will be all for today”.
Closing my notebook I sat motionless for what felt like an eternity. He had hit a nerve and he knew it. I was too off balance and frustrated to continue and it was obvious he was dictating the play. With all my years involved in the practice, I had never been put in such a position of feeling so helpless. Standing, I walked over to the guard and looked just beyond him for a time.
“Make no mention of this to anyone”.
Now standing in the employee’s kitchen, I served myself a glass of water while trying to come down off the complete humiliation of the past moments. I was soon joined by Sharon who walked in and leaned her back against the wall just to the side of me. Visually meeting her beautiful eyes, I was instantly put at ease when her bright smile captivated me in the moment.
“Peter if you need someone to talk to, I am always available”.
Handing me her card she straighten her self up and stepped in closer.
“People of our profession sometimes need to talk things out. You let me know if I can be of any help”.
Just arriving and standing motionless on the soft front lawn, it was just after dusk and again the house was cloaked within the familiar quiet and somber darkness. The mounting pressures coming at me from all directions began to steer me with a vindictive