SO HOW'S YOUR LOVELIFE?

When I'm working, there's one question that usually makes me squirm a bit. You can ask me if I like anal and I know exactly how to answer that.. no, it's when people ask me if I'm single. More realistically it comes as 'u got a bf' and recently it got thrown at me while I was giving a blowjob to a punter. Imagine you're at the dentist and they're asking you how often you floss, but your mouth's all full of scary sounding tools and they're sucking spit out the back of your mouth with a mini hose. But more awkward than that.

It shouldn't be hard to answer. I'm not single, I'm happily taken. The weird thing is my answer always varies slightly, depending on who's asking. Yes, I have a boyfriend, yes, he's in the house and, yes, he does know that I cam and double yes, he will come onscreen for a blowjob. I think I actually had one of my best nights camming moneywise when we'd stumbled in drunk after a night out, gone on cam together and fucked all night.

The punters I escort with, however, fall into three categories: Polite people that don't even ask (I don't bring up your home life, why bring up mine?); Chilled people that don't give a fuck; People that get turned on by me 'cheating' on my boyfriend.

I don't cheat on my boyfriend. I tell him absolutely everything I do, and he is my rock. He understands the difference between a business transaction and lust. Between the character I play and the real me. There's only one other person who knows that I'm escorting now (and she would be an even bigger rock, but she lives too far away). One friend knows I cam. My parents still think I work in my old job and half of my mates think I don't work, which is infuriating. It's infuriating because I hate not being honest with them, but they haven't exactly been overly supportive of my sexwork antics in the past (to the tune of gossip around town) and trust is hard to rebuild in sensitive areas. It's infuriating because I do work. Really fucking hard. Now more than ever.

My boyfriend usually works away about 6 months out of the year, building scaffolding for festivals and such. Last year he did the 6 month summer season, and then went to Saudi Arabia for 2 months with work. It's already a bit different to other relationships I know, cos we either spend all our time together, or he'll work away for three weeks, or a couple months, at a time. I don't wanna sound braggy, but he makes he makes pretty good money doing that. He's a provider and I'm a wicked housewife. These are roles we're happy to fill. We know we can do long distance. When he's home, and it's out of season, he usually finds work lightning fast.

Just over a year ago I started camming to make extra money. Extra money so we could save to do amazing things together. Me escorting only came into the equation at the end of last year when we just needed to make as much money as we could – just so we could fuck off together. We obsessively looked into moving to Cambodia. Lazy beach life. It's heartbreaking when stuff doesn't work out.

2017 was just a series of unfortunate events that ate our savings up and we've crash landed in 2018, where my boyfriend can't find off-season work and I am the sole provider. Sorry mum and dad for being such a burden for 19ish years – I understand after only 4 months of living 24/7 with a man-child.

I wasn't really ready to bring the bacon. My slightly-better-than-part-time-earnings-but-really-good-sometimes-but-very-much-dependent-on-my-mood-and-how-much-time-I-want-to-put-in have been responsible for keeping two adults alive and living well for the whole damn year (I know we're only 4 months in, but that's a whole third of 2018). It's making me resent camming, because I'm always thinking about how much money I NEED to earn. It's not just for pocket money anymore. One escort booking a week can change my mind from constant worry to temporary relief, until I spend most that money on petrol, food, rent and bills.. then I just cry a bit, slap on my happy face and start the week again. Same old shit, week in, week out. I started sexwork because I can't deal with the daily grind of working long hours in a job you hate just to get by. I wanted the time and the freedom to pursue things that might actually make me happy. I never saw this being my grind. I need a fucking break. This might be my last post for a while.

(For anyone that might think I should just get a 'normal' job – my CV's pretty terrible, I need to fake my references and and I'm fairly sure I have an undiagnosed personality disorder.. what a catch eh 😉)

Anyway, as per, I've ranted away from the focus of this post.. which is my lovely boyfriend. Hell, he introduced me to Steemit – he doesn't use his account, but thus, a monster was born in me. I rely on him so much. Financially, when he's more than happy to graft crazy hours a day because he loves the work. Emotionally, when I can't get out of bed, so I message him from upstairs and just ask him to come for a cuddle. And he does, no words spoken. Domestically.. Well, I'm working on that.. He's rubbish at cleaning (to my 'impossible' standards). I do all I can to reciprocate that support. Of course, we argue; we get cabin fever and we need space. I love him. 💘