Bathroom Adventures - A Realistic look at being middle aged and the joys that accompany it! [NSFW]

Prologue:

I am a 45 year old truck driver and not in the best of health. I have had more than my share of trials and tribulations in life, but the current situation is by far the shittiest of them all.

The Setup:

With age comes changes to the human body, not all of them good. I like to eat, and I eat whatever the hell I want to....damn the consequences. This often leads to things like excessive gas (coming out both ends simultaneously), heartburn so bad it feels like a heart attack, the runs, and many other minor but annoying problems. There are other changes that happen with age, especially in men. For example enlarged prostate, hemorrhoids, anal warts, anal bleeding, anal seepage and so forth.

My Adventures:

So for the last month or so I have had larger than normal hemorrhoids. I been joking with people that my asshole has balls.....but the truth of the matter is I have two hemorrhoids on the front side of my asshole and a massive cyst on the back side. The hemorrhoids actually look like small testicles. The cyst is protruding so far it looks like a fucking penis.

That's right, I said I had a penis sticking out of my asshole! Well actually right by the edge of my asshole but lets not quiver over suck trivial details.

So needless to say with 2 balls and a penis in my asshole, taking a shit can be quiet difficult at times. To add insult to injury I have been consuming a lot of starch lately which is known to inflame hemorrhoids. Then to make matters even worse, I decided (two days in a row) to go have lunch at Pho Palace (Vietnamese) and of course both days ordered one of the spiciest dishes they have.

Which brings me to today, when I got back from lunch I really really really had to go.....so I tried! I sat on the toilet, got on Rocket.Chat on my phone and started "shitposting" for realz while trying to force out an Atomic Bomb (mid explosion) through my seriously swollen sphincter. It felt like Mount Saint Helens was erupting in my asshole. It is still burning like lava a half an hour later and there are no signs of it easing off any time soon. I can't take a proper shit and when I do force something out it comes out looking like Brown Angel Hair Pasta (Shitty Hair Pasta).

I really need someone to come pop these hemorrhoids and cyst so I can take a poop. I am more full of shit, right now, than I have ever been in my entire life; not to mention the constant burning and itching happening down there.