The Maze of Overthinking

For my whole life, i was living in a lie. I always thought that my mind was pretty clear and that my thinking about everything is healthy. I mean, it is perfectly fine to get your mind working but when you push it to the limits it is just matter of time when will you explode.

I learned about overthinking when I met my fiancee and she started to notice my mind was working on a higher scale than anyone she met before. She really opened my eyes and I started to notice it myself, and after really long time I started to take it seriously when I first felt that I am getting more anxious and depressed. Now when I rewind that movie in my head I understand that with more serious problems and important things in my life I started to slide down into the hole from which I couldn't crawl out.

To this day I am the only person that knows about demons I had to fight to be truly happy again. For the last year and a half, i started to be more irritable and in few situations pretty aggressive which was so weird for me because I always knew the borders from which there is no turning back. I started to be afraid my fiancee will leave me when she sees me in few situations where I lose control and I was much more afraid I will lose my job and close some doors and opportunities to progress in life. 

The scariest thing for me was that the first time in my life I started to lose control, and my mind got so messy that I just wanted to restart my mind and body and just begin from point zero. I also started to blame other for bad things that happened to me and I couldn't get my head above the water surface to avoid drowning in my own mind. It was really bad times for me and maybe the worst decision was to fight that battle alone. Gladly I never had any suicidal thoughts but I can understand people who do because it is so strange how deep people can go alone without letting anyone notice anything. 

My mother tried to kill herself 3 times, 2 times in front of my eyes and that was going through my mind when I thought how deep I was and that I would never do anything to myself because of others. People who are suicidal just need help and I really help when someone blame people who get to point of no return because if you never felt anxious and depressed you don't know the feeling.

I can be happy that after all, i had a strong mind which helped me to survive that bad period by myself without involving anyone too much or not at all. Some people saw that I changed a bit because they were used to see me happy and making others happy but they never realized how deep I got because I hid it perfectly. You say that you are having a bad day and people let you go. 

If you need help, ask for it because people are living fast and people who are close to you have their own problems and thoughts and if you don't ask you will not get help. Don't be afraid that someone will judge you, maybe some people will have a different approach because some people would like to help but they don't know how and in sensitive things like this one they are afraid they would do more harm than help but trust me they always want you the best. 

There were many famous people that couldn't bare with their own fame and they exploded under pressure, but people who are not famous have fewer opportunities to get better and I would say healthier because their voice is not heard far. My wish is to open your eyes and if you hopefully don't have problems like this you can help other. Listen to their problems, have your opinion but don't judge and you will do the first step to helping someone. If you see someone is anxious for few days in a row ask them and try to get to know what is wrong. Even a glimpse of an answer will give you the sign not to give up until you find out what is wrong because there is no unlimited time and sometimes it's too late.

Good luck to everyone and enjoy :)